What happens when your thoughts become a Gordian Knot? so many things running through the head that's it's almost impossible to untangle them, to make sense of them, how does one sit down and even gather some vague semblance of organization, to somehow communicate all the thoughts and emotions racing around, how does one even begin? the simplest answer... the beginning...
I had spent a good deal of time wandering the vast and endless interwebs looking for a hint of Veronica and yet she was nowhere to be found except for one picture, a picture from a weekly paper for a Cinco de Mayo party dated 2016, seeing her face, knowing in that picture the 20yr old girl was now a 36yr old woman, still as beautiful as the day i first saw her, i would pull it up from time to time and study it, what i was trying to find i don't know, but i'd gaze upon it and wonder where she was an what she was doing... and so one day i started to dig, i knew her name and her birthday and roughly two years ago i had finally tracked down her address and phone number... she was living in Hawaii, same as she was in the photo i dug up... i wrote the number down... and there it sat, tucked safely away, scribbled on that back of a business card, no name attached to it and after a week or so i didn't even need the scrap of paper, the number was etched into my memory...
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Chasing ghosts... we may dream about it but what happens if we actually have a chance to catch one? even more what happens if there is an opportunity to not only catch one but to wrap your arms around the ghost you've been chasing, the dream you've been having... maybe what happens is reality... and so i did nothing with the number... many a late night in the quiet of the house with the mushrooms kicking through the mind i'd think now was the time, to send a text, to say hello, but i always stopped and thought better of it, don't appear out of nowhere out of your mind on psychedelics... as i much as i love and trust my mushrooms this was something i needed to do with a clear head... and yet i didn't do it... a few times i even typed out the message, always starting with a quote i had stumbled upon and each time i would delete it... i was scared... she has always frightened me in a way that no other woman really has... there was part of me that wondered if she even remembered me which might sound silly but no one had ever really unnerved me like she did... something that i'm sure will come up again...
And so time marches on... the mind marches on... and then sometimes the stars align and some sort of courage (or stupidity) stirs itself up enough to finally send a message... it was the end of September, the same time that 25 years ago we'd have been in London, on what would have been our last night before flying back... and so i sat and typed out a text message, starting with that same quote i had been holding onto and then going into a brief bit about her getting off the plane at Gatwick, about the guts and faith it took to rely on a drunken, drug loving idiot to do something like that, with no money, no place to stay, not knowing a soul in the hope he'd be there... the text mentioned her fearlessness and how i hoped her life has been the adventure she had set out for it to be when she left for Los Angeles... then i hit send... and waited...
I put the phone down and began to read... or more correctly attempt to read while i waited to see if there would be a response, doing my best to calm the mind, i sat there pretending not to be waiting and waited... it was roughly 7pm my time which meant it would be around 1pm in Hawaii... after twenty minutes or so i heard my phone buzz... i looked and there it was, Hi Kono and a big red heart... i was numb... we began texting and it was soon discovered that she was not currently in Hawaii, she still lived there but at the moment she was right up I-79, about an hour and twenty minutes away, she had flown in for her parents 50th anniversary... i stated i would love to talk to her and she asked if i would be awake later to which i replied, are you fucking kidding me? of course i will and then she stated that once her mother went to bed she would call me... thus began another wait... i was like a kid on X-mas eve, i tried to occupy myself and wandered around the house, the stars had aligned as the BW was still away so i would be able to talk freely and without worry and so i talked with Disaster and told him to make sure he didn't stay up too late... and then i waited...
At a few minutes before 11pm my phone rang... and there she was, that voice that i remembered so well, i could see her smile and then i heard he say... it's you, it's your voice, you know i've looked for you over the years and could never find you... she could have hung up the phone right then and i'd have been happy, i don't think she knew what those words meant to me and with that we were off on a three hour conversation... i laughed at that point and said i was legit hoping you didn't forget me... and she replied, are you serious! how could i forget you? as i'm apt to say you couldn't have punched the smile off my face... so where to begin?
After she left our little city she had moved to Los Angeles for a few years before then picking up and moving to San Francisco, she then explained that one drunken evening she jumped in the water in SF and it was freezing, she then turned to her friends and asked where was the ocean warm? someone said Hawaii and later that night in a drunken haze she had booked a one way ticket to Hawaii... what some might call fucking insane i call fearless and so roughly 16 years ago she packed her things and ended up on the islands... why was i not surprised? it was somewhat the same way she went from LA to SF, a whim, an idea, and why the fuck not? there was nothing tying her down and i wanted to tell her how much i loved this, how she set out to have an adventure and it never stopped, she then admitted it might be time to move back to the mainland and mentioned a couple of places and i'd be lying if i didn't think about how i might get to those cities if she ever landed there... then she asked about me...
And what was i supposed to say? she asked if i was happy? i stated yes and no, that the Buddhist in me understands that happiness is relative and balanced by it's opposite, she asked me about my boyos and then stunned me when she asked if i was still with the BW? was she the mother? and not only that but said her name... i admitted she was and that what i experienced at home was hardly what you could call a healthy relationship in fact it was nothing more than a business relationship at this point, that i'm not sure when or how it ends but that at this point my focus was the boyos and my cats, the latter of which she got a good laugh out of... there was a lot of catching up about our friends, the people we had both known when she was in the city and of course there were some haymakers thrown in...
I asked her if she had ever been close to getting married or something like it and what she said floored me... she stated that i had set the bar really high and that though there were one or two who came close, one in particular whose family seemed to be the reason for it not working out, but that no, not really... she said that when she was with me, for the first time in her life she felt seen and not only seen but heard and that after experiencing that she wouldn't settle for anything less... she went on to say no one ever really managed both other than me, that seen yes but rarely if ever heard... i was stunned... did i really do that? i told her all i did was show her what she already knew, what she already possessed... and i'll admit it's fucking astounding to think i could have had that impact on her though i understood it because she captivated me is such a way that i was always listening to what she had to say, yes she was young but that didn't make her any less intelligent than anyone else, she had an old soul and i somehow knew that when i met her, when we'd be alone and talking she had an innate wisdom and sometimes i think it was that wisdom that frightened me so much... that sooner or later she would tire of me and that thought fucking scared me to death... i've been involved with my fair share of women (how is anyone's guess) but she, to this day, is the only one who has ever unnerved me that much... scrambled my thinking, and the reality of it was that i probably got it all fucking wrong... but that's life ain't it?
At this point i asked if she would be anywhere near the city? or if i could possibly come up to see her? fact was i didn't expect her to be here i thought she'd be in Hawaii, maybe what one might call a safe distance but the fact she was close enough to see was now paramount in my mind, just to wrap my arms around her one time, that's it, no ulterior motives other than to lay my eyes on her in person and hug her... and once again she floored me... when i asked she laughed and said and hour and a half is a long drive for a cup of coffee, to which i replied cheekily that when you love coffee like i do it's not a question of how far but the reward at the end... and then she said it... and once again i was stunned... we wouldn't be having a cup of coffee together.. we wouldn't? i asked... no, she said, we'd end up in bed... the truth is i hadn't even thought about that, that my whole point was just to see how she was but hearing her say it buckled my knees... i laughed and said why do you think that? and stated that was never my intention... she responded, it may not be your intention but it would definitely be mine, i don't think i could see you and not... then she paused and said, i have to think about seeing you cuz you cloud my judgement and the things i want to do are the things i know i shouldn't do...
It turned into a beautiful and brilliant three hours and as 2am rolled around, last call so to speak, she stated that she was exhausted and needed to get to bed, i understood and told her i don't think she knew how happy this whole conversation had made me, how happy i was for her to be living the life she had been and that i'd really like to speak more before she left and for her to think about arranging a time to meet up... i even promised i'd keep my clothes on and once again she sexily said that she couldn't promise the same... and so we reluctantly said our goodbyes, she had a ton of things to do for her parents anniversary party and needed to get to bed... i stated quite simply that i loved her, as insane as that sounds, said goodnight and we hung up... my head was swimming... (to be cont.)
That quote: One day , whether you are 14, 28 or 65, you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die. However the saddest most awful truth you will ever come to find, is that they are not always with whom we spend our lives. - Beau Taplin
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