I barely slept... i lay on my makeshift bed with Phat Paco purring on my chest and stared at the ceiling, i realized i was smiling, i realized i might actually get to do something that i never thought i'd get to do... See Veronica... fucking hell, it was a lot to process... and so after sleeping in fits and starts the sun came up and i got on with things, got Disaster off to school, got ready to do some gig economy serfing but the truth was my mind was racing, i was physically having to catch my breath on a regular basis, she affected me that much... out driving for my serf gig at one point i almost ran a stop sign and wrecked the car, i was so lost in thought about Veronica that it seemed there was a haze in front of me, all i could do was think about her, think about actually seeing her, i was trying to be cool about things but i was a fucking mess, all i wanted to do was get in my car and drive up to see her... but i didn't, i couldn't unless she said yes... and even after the beauty of our conversation i was still scared... why? why did she frighten me? all these years later and i still thought there was some element of her playing me when i knew she was not... how one might ask? basically because she was a far more decent human being than i was, raised by loving and kind parents who she adored, during our conversation she stated that at one point she had moved home for a year to take care of her father after he suffered a heart attack, she spoke of the love between her parents, about how her mother was a hopeless romantic... and then added that she had shown her mother my message and that she was absolutely floored, she loved it so much and as Veronica stated her mom thought i was a wonderful guy... a statement that could be easily debated by simply looking at the situation...
When i had sent that first message i was hoping there would be a chance to talk and the fact, maybe subconsciously, was that there was safety in distance, Hawaii is a long way away, knowing she was this close that safety had now almost become a tyranny of distance, just far enough yet close enough, the pull was so strong it was damn near unbearable... once again i was transported back fucking 25 years, a lovesick boy in a man's body not knowing what to do with himself or how to contain himself... head swimming and spinning and thoughts bouncing around at high rates of speed... Monday passed and i somehow managed not to call her, of course i sent a few texts but i didn't want to appear needy? desperate? and so i walked through my day in a daze, there was no sense to it other than the feelings she had conjured in this fucking daydreaming muppet but alas Veronica was and is wiser than i...
Our next conversations were shorter but just as lovely and i would subtlety ask about seeing her and she would state she was still thinking about it... it was then revealed that she would be only forty minutes away on her last night and into the next day before heading to the airport that night... of course now the wheels were really spinning... as i said over the early part of the week the conversations were great, maybe too great, as they seemed to stir, in both of us, what was once there and maybe the possibility of what could be... but we all know how it ends, we always knew how it ends, maybe had i the courage and fearlessness of Henry Miller i'd have packed my bags and got in the car, bought a ticket to Honolulu... but we all know i couldn't do that, i wouldn't do that, not while the boyos were still reliant on a somewhat functional household (not to mention certain cats i'd never abandon)... but the mind, the emotions can get the better of us and the chronic daydreamer in me would think about it...
And so we danced... we danced around the things, we flirted and talked and told each other things... then it happened... i left a message for her... she was out in the country where she grew up and told me certain places like her sister's house barely had cell service, it stated i had devised a way to get up north that last night or next day, that it wouldn't be a problem at all and it would be an altruistic visit, nothing more, no shedding of the clothes (something that would be debatable if we ended up in the same room and given an opportunity) but just a chance to see each other in person, who knew if we'd ever get that chance again... in my head i had half convinced myself that the universe was smiling on me, as if i had somehow done something that merited a reward such as this.... but the truth is i merited no such reward, had not earned or deserved anything of the sort and soon enough i would understand that and of course it would be Veronica who would lay it out...
When next we spoke i could tell things had shifted, much like that day in her apartment when she had finally broke it off... she stated simply she did not want to see me... that statement more than stung, if she had buckled the knees previously with joy this time it buckled the knees like a clean shot right on the chin... why? i asked... and she very plainly said, because it gets us nowhere, nothing will change and it was best for her to not see me, she then stated that when we were together she was always torn, conflicted about the situation, that she would never want to be the one in the BW's shoes and that being on the other side of it made her feel horrible... she is a far more decent human than i and i understood exactly what she was saying... she had a moral and ethical grounding and the fact i was "attached", that she was "the other woman" was not something she ever wished to be, on either side of the situation... and i understood it perfectly... there are things that will someday get written about but i had been on the other side of that situation and yes it involved the BW and yes i understand the hypocrisy coming from a feral alley cat like myself who never seemed all that good at saying no when it came to certain things, women or drugs or booze... but particularly women...
Of course that by no means meant our cad here was going to throw in the towel and so while i said i understood i sat back and thought and proposed a counter argument stating the fact that it was nothing more than two old friends, yes old lovers, sitting down and catching up... she replied that just listening to my message made her uncomfortable, that it was basically dripping in subterfuge, my making up stories in order to see her, the same shit i would do back in the day, though back then it was easy as i was always out of the house and slinging but her point was it was deception and it was not something she could be a part of again... and once again what could i fucking say? she was right...but now we get to the hard truths... and hard truths tend to hurt, they sting, looking into the mirror and realizing and admitting your fuck-ups is not something anyone likes or wants to do but sometimes we have to, sometimes it's the people we love who make us do it and if we're aware enough and intelligent enough we do it... not to say i'm the latter but i try...
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Back to the Gorian Knot... if one is to solve the dilemma, to figure out the problem one has to sit back and think and even though one might feel that they have thought the issue through the fact is humans are masters at lying to themselves, at devising a way to make themselves feel better about the situation, to place the blame somewhere or on someone else... look around and one can see it every day, on the news, in discussions with friends and family, taking a long hard look at oneself and acknowledging the fuck ups is both difficult and rare and if one is lucky enough or more correctly willing to admit that they are fuck ups, that mistakes have been made, maybe one can come out the other side a better human, having a better understanding of existence... they call them hard truths because they are hard to come by and while most of us will admit we have flaws we like to glance over those flaws as superficial and not admit we are all damaged in some way it's just how we accept and correct it or move past it in order to maintain some semblance of sanity... (of course the modern western remedy for this is therapy, psychoanalysis... and while it may have it's place for some mostly what i've gleaned from those who've tried it is the fact most of it solves fuck all but gives the patient a place to piss and moan... honestly that's what i thought the blogosphere was for... cheeky fuckin' bastard that i am...
Hard Truths. It was during our conversation, shortly after one of the most astounding things ever said to me, that compliment of the highest order, that i had been the first person to not only see her but hear her, that Veronica stated that all those years ago i made the convenient choice and not the difficult one... and on the surface one could say she was correct... but there was more to it than that, yes it looked as if i took the easy way out, kept the status quo and stayed with the BW... and it was here that i realized that i had never actually explained to Veronica the rationale behind my decision, at the time maybe i didn't fully recognize it myself though subconsciously i believe i did... but as i sat around pondering all the things we had discussed those hard truths began to materialize in front of me, for the first time i had a better understanding of my actions and whether i liked the outcome or not i also understood that there was nothing more i could do than accept the results while realizing what i had gained and what i had lost...
So what was that rationale? What led me to the place i was at and the decision i had made? While not rehashing the full history it was quite obvious the dissolution of my nuclear family had a massive affect on me while thus also sort of pushing me into the world without a safety net... granted many people are born without a net so for some middle class/working class white boy to be whining about this is not something i'm here to do, it's just that was the situation i was in... no home to move to, no place to go, i had to make it on my own and i was determined to do so... problem was i was a weird one, wasn't all that fond of the system i lived in and so i thought, how can i subvert the system? and the easiest way to do so was sling weed... it paid well enough, even the nickel and dime shit and it gave me a lifeline... that first foray into the game in my last year as an undergrad, when in the middle of a divorce i couldn't really ask or expect help from home, i saw that i could feed, clothe, house and have a good time... i just had to keep shit wired tight, understand the game and how to play it...
Fast forward to moving to the city, slinging again while working at the bagel store, living hand to mouth, the ill fated stint in grad school where after dropping out the second semester while selling shit gear and washing dishes off the books at a coffeehouse kept me eating and drunk and then after a summer working 70-80 hour weeks and saving some money i went back to the Burgh with the express purpose of setting up shop, selling weed and paying off my student loans... i had a plan and i intended to execute that plan... all the while i began to realize i had, for lack of a better term, excellent business acumen... i was fucking good at selling weed, maybe more than good, i was great at it...
By the time i had met Veronica i had been in the game for five years running (not counting the previous forays) and things had just started to really take off, after toiling away for the first five years i had a small savings and was steadily paying off my student loans but now i had a real connection and i was good enough at my job to cultivate it while accruing a salesforce capable of moving a lot of fucking gear... by the time i arrived back in London my little saving account had doubled and that didn't include the little safe in my room with over 20K sitting in it all neatly sorted by denominations in $1000 bundles... to a kid who started with nothing i was fucking loaded in hoodrat terms... and the serious shit was just getting started...
Which brings me back to that day in early December in Veronica's apartment, i had just given her the gifts i had bought her and was standing there waiting to be led to the bedroom for our usual afternoon activity... i knew something was off but i pretended it was all good which is when she explained that she couldn't do this anymore, that she felt horrible about it and that it was over... and i understood... but when the world, so to speak, is at your fingertips... when everything seems to be going so fucking well the universe will always bring balance... or so i like to think... and here was the balance, we don't get everything we want, we can't always get what we want, even when it seems we can get whatever we want... i remember standing there that day, the burgeoning King of North Oakland and feeling like shit, for a myriad of reasons... as i stood there numb looking at her beautiful face i heard her say, she must be one helluva woman... i mumbled, yeah... she is, but anyone could tell it was half-hearted, in truth they were both better human beings than me, i was a fucking shitbag, an egomaniac who thought he could do anything... the truth? i could not but the only one at the time who had the guts to tell me was Veronica...
Years of dwelling on these events in the wee hours, when even the birds and the bugs have stopped their noise, those darkest part of night just before the dawn, the realization of my actions, the ramifications of my actions, the hard truths crystalized in front of me... in the simplest of terms... i sacrificed love in pursuit of money, status and power... that's it... nothing more nothing less... i had made a plan and i was carrying that plan to fruition, the fact was nothing meant more to me than the job, the lifestyle it afforded, the clout (as the kids say), the fact that when i walked in someplace i got respect, motherfuckers got out of my way, they bought me drinks and wanted to be my pal, female attention was not hard to come by, be it dancers or women i knew or those i didn't, bartenders comped me everything, i passed out money like candy on Halloween cuz i could... way back when even the Waitress (now BW) had asked me if the choice was between her and the my chosen occupation of slinging weed which would i choose and i bluntly stated she didn't want me to answer that question, at least not honestly, which is all one needed to know...
Years before, sitting around the hallowed halls of academia i had set out to write but had taken to heart what my favorite writers had said, one needs to live a little before they can really write, they need to experience fucking life, not in some classroom but in the barroom and back alleys and shit apartments, in the warehouses and kitchens of the world, and so here i was getting my PHD in fucking living, fuck the squares and so off i ran...
It's probably no surprise that one of my favorite shows is Breaking Bad but maybe not for the reasons one would think... there was an episode as the show was winding down, when Walter White was talking to his now estranged wife where he said something that very few people could relate to about his former occupation... explaining his actions he told Skylar, "i liked it... i was good at it.." and the that's the truth... i loved slinging weed, i was good at it... and i also understand what i sacrificed and why... the fact is like Walter White, as one moves up the ladder, as one accrues more money and power, there is a corruption of the soul... and if one is lucky enough to be able to walk away from that life scot-free it is then that the real challenge begins... not only to decompress from the life but also to understand the true ramifications of one's actions... and speaking to Veronica all these years later brought those actions into even sharper focus, crystallized things even more...
And so here we were... twenty-five years later and me sending texts to the ether... i realize now it became more complicated due to her proximity, even more complicated when she stated that we wouldn't just be having a cup of coffee... and more convoluted after she had time to think about things and all those old feelings came rushing back... on her last day here, a scant 35-40 minute drive away, we spoke briefly, mainly i just wanted to say goodbye, i didn't try to convince her to let me come up, i just stated quietly that maybe the situation got the better of me but she had to understand how badly i wanted to see her and that i really didn't think she'd be this close... there was a coolness in her voice that hurt, this wasn't a 20yr old girl anymore but a 45yro old woman who had been around the block a few times now as well... i reiterated the fact that she frightened me, that she was the only woman i'd ever met who seriously fucking scared me and that there was a part of me that was afraid to trust myself... but that wasn't necessarily true...
If there was one thing i'd never told her is that there was part of my brain that felt she knew how to play me... had she ever given me any reason to believe such a thing? absolutely fucking not, everything she had done and said had been the exact opposite, even now, telling me i'd set the bar so high, i understood she had never lied to me or played me for a fool... all she really did was tell me the truth, what she wanted from me was honesty to her and all those involved but i was too much of a bastard, to in love with being a hood to give that to anybody, the world back then was about me and fuck you if you weren't El Kono... one could say i may have learned a few things since then... i also knew had i told her these things she'd have told me i was a fucking idiot, that she loved me and from what she had said quite possibly more than she's loved anyone since... there wasn't much left to say...
In our last few texts before she went to the airport for a long trip back i told her i'd hope we'd keep in touch, i had told her about the story i'd written about us, the Veronica Chronicles for lack of a title, she said she really wanted to read it and so i told her to give me some time and i'd send it to her... she then sent me something that once again buckled the knees... i had thanked her for all she'd given me, then and now, how i loved her then and still do and how brilliant it was to see and hear all the things she's been up to over the years... her response, "always have and always will but i can't let you muddy my waters again..." then she added, "In one week, you have reminded me of romance, you have made me feel worthy and made me feel despicable. Only you, so far, are capable of the full roller coaster. It will always be special but it needs to be buried, again"... and once again she's right...
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