A recent Saturday night saw the I-mac at an amusement park with his friends while Nick Disaster was at a baseball game with his friend which in turn left the remaining denizens of the house alone and while i am a staunch believer in the here and now it offered a brief glimpse into the future... and the future looks fucking bleak. Of course that bleakness of what might never happen is a relative term for a situation that is more akin to a rotting roadkill baking in a July sun than a flower blooming in the warmth of May. Needless to say as said denizens sat down to an oddly quiet dinner while the cats all stared and the birds all chirped and attempted to pretend that there was something to talk about. There wasn't but i'll give the Breadwinner points for at least attempting to keep the silence from becoming deafening though truth be told i much prefer the silence.
Now in the hustle and bustle of the raising of the boyos one might think that a free Saturday night might raise the opportunity (or more aptly described as the spectre) of some sort of adult activity. You know something fun, something the therapists and counselors of the world call, "re-connecting", a prospect that i believed frightened both of the people sitting at that table. Jah forbid one of them raise the idea of sex or what i used to call the great white elephant standing in the middle of the room (and most likely taking a giant dump on any possibility of that happening.) In fact stranger still, it would have been the male of this sad and depressing scene who would have done his best to avoid at all costs this suggestion coming up while picking at the remnants of his sandwich, in fact said man had already subtly mentioned his aching back while mentally rolodexing all the things he might do to escape this possibility. Of course there wasn't much to worry about, the chance the female would float this idea was roughly the odds of one hitting the Mega-Millions but as we all know somebody wins sooner or later so it's best to keep the bases covered.
And so there they sat. That white elephant had let out a yawn, closed it's eyes, and took a snooze, thus sparing the parties any uncomfortable conversations and excuses as to why such an activity would not be taking place. For my part i had managed to list all the things i needed to do before giving the back a break. A list that included dishes, scooping cat litter, folding laundry, possibly watering the plants, stretching and doing some exercises for the back, pretty much anything and everything to run out the clock in hopes of the Breadwinner heading up to her room and assuming her usual place in her bed with Ipad, telly, and new favorite cat. As i took my time with my slate of chores i kept a clandestine eye on things and soon i was in the clear. The last instruction being that i stay up and wait for the boyos to get home because someone was tired. No problem. My sigh of relief was palpable.
My work done i opened the front door to listened to the night, opened the biography about Peter Tosh, fired up the vaporizer with the finest weed in the shire and occasionally glanced at a muted television. I understand what the future of Saturday night holds. It doesn't bother me in the least. In fact i'm quite honest with myself as to what state this relationship is in. I also understand that the Breadwinner is probably not quite as far along in recognizing the decay. Existence is fluid. Existence (and non-existence) is built on change, the building up and breaking down of all that is here and now. I don' dwell too much on a future that doesn't exist but every so often i'll let the mind drift to it understanding that i may need to plan a little bit just in case it arrives. Not much really but a little... mainly so i can get an apartment and keep a bit of food about if i'm hungry. I've got minimal needs really. As for the here and now i understand the rules and my role. Things change and while some view the disintegration of relationships as failure i tend to see it a bit differently. In the end the greatest act of kindness is to walk away.
Oooh, that's really articulate about a very common state of affairs which never loses its power to hover in the air. It's impossible to keep the fires burning for ever, but it still feels like a sort of loss, or resignation anyway. But if it produces such great metaphors, then please don't ever have sex again :)
P.S. I'm sorry I've taken so long to get onto the this. I'll try subscribing again with a different email address.
this saturday night meal is still deeply embedded in my memory banks. it was just such a dinner that led me to the conclusion that i *would* get out someday - not knowing how, or when, or with what. he wasn't/isn't a bad person - far from it. i just didn't want to be there, certainly not forever.
much to my surprise, before i could bring up the topic, he asked me one night if we should just go ahead and get divorced. The Boy was a freshman at university, and my (now) ex had been living 3 hours away at our summer vacation place, working by remote, for a few years.
what amazes me, more than a decade later - we are ALL so much happier. He found new love (something that the kids and i never anticipated), and his wife has helped bring our clan together as fully loving team members with the kids/grandkids.
i hope you get here. it's a good place. you're good parents, and it will be ok, i think...
Post a Comment