Faith Peddling

Ah yes the doorbell, the knock, the nice clean cut young men in matching "outfits", name tags, bags, and of course free gifts, their names were Elder Torres and Elder Jenkins and they had bright smiles right up until some bewildered ape who hadn't shaved in days answered the door, they introduced themselves, i laughed and said you realize you guys have the same first name, which i thought was a brilliant joke but seemed lost on my missionaries, they began a conversation and kept trying to hand me things though i refused to open the storm door due to the fact it was 30some odd degrees, the imaginary boy was shuffling around behind me yelling imaginary boy things, they smiled at this and attempted to begin their schpeil about their religion, i cut them off and asked if they had ever read the Upanishads? they looked bewildered, i responded, you've never read the Upanishads? you should and when you do you can come back and we'll discuss whatever it is you're attempting to sell me here today.

See i got no problem with faith, spirituality and the like, in fact as i believe Bruce Springsteen once wrote a song about A Reason to Believe, i like the song, like the sentiment, we can't all be existentialist madmen fretting over this meaningless life--haha, and it's okay for people to attempt to give their lives meaning through an invisible deity, granted i also find religion to be the single biggest reason to go out and be a fuck-up because said deity will excuse you for your fuck-ups if you fill out the right forms and mail it to the proper address, but that is not the point of this little diatribe, so the point...

if i wanted to find out about whatever faith you happen to prescribe to i can go to the local library and read about it, say i wanted to join this club i could open a phone book, look online, hang a sign around my neck whatever, what i don't really need is so-called wise men showing up at my door and interrupting my dinner and the precious few hours i get with the imaginary boy due to things like work and attempting to convince me i'm a sinner and need to be saved particularly when said wise men don't know the sacred texts of say certain Eastern religions, i find a certain form of tunnel vision ignorant and when you tell me Your Book is Right the cynic and ooh gasp Devil's Advocate springs from my shoulder and whispers blasphemous things in my ear...

in short, don't show up on my doorstep selling your faith unless you want me on your doorstep selling dogshit, crack, chocolate bars, existential manifesto's and whatever else comes to mind, i bet you wouldn't like it, especially if it interrupted the pre-meal prayer and i smiled incessantly.