Friday, August 24, 2012

Postponing my Funeral



It was roughly ten years ago when i looked around and felt like fucking giving up, when i looked out the window one night and decided what was the fucking point? i had quit the business in hopes of leading some sort of semblance of a normal life and instead i got what? i had that Razor's Edge moment, when Mr. Murray looks into the camera and says, " i thought she was my reward for trying to live a good a life... and what i realize now is that there is no reward."

And so for the next three years i systematically set off down a path, basically i was trying to kill myself, slowly because i lacked the guts to do it quick and messy and maybe at the time i didn't know it, maybe at the time i was just trying to kill any feeling i had left because i didn't want to feel anything anymore, i had had enough and so i piled up the powder and pills and booze and had at it, didn't fucking care that the amounts i was doing would have killed most people, didn't care as i watched the sunrise on a new day after being up all night, i remember when someone (nursie) asked me a question about where all the money went from the old days and i can honestly say that a sizeable portion was blown during this time because as i said i didn't care any more, 7 straight years of busting my ass, of being smart and staying a step ahead and now it all meant jack shit...

But in those three years, in my fleeting moments of clarity, when i wasn't so fucked up that i could actually think straight i realized that i wasn't about to quit, oh there were some things that needed shelved but i wasn't about to give up and then one day the girl got a call that her mother had a brain tumor, and end game tumor and then a year later the I-mac was born and for the first time in my life i wanted to fucking live, for the first time in my life i had something to live for, a reason, a reason to actually try and become a better person and believe me this is by no means some kind of diatribe on children being the meaning of life, they are not, they are hard work and frustration and worry and unbridled joy and unconditional love, and for me they helped me get my shit together and stop trying to kill myself...

Of course it was around this time that this record came out and i was spending alot of time in a car travelling back and forth to the girl's parents house, a horrible drive through the Laurel Highlands, a patch of country that is harsh and brutal, a stretch of road that is dotted with Baptist churches and porno stores, and it was on these drives, sometimes with the I-mac and the girl, sometimes alone, that i would drive and think and listen to this record and particularly this song and understand that i was coming up only to only to show you down, that i was coming up only to show you wrong and that on every occasion i'd be ready for the funeral, that in the end there was much to give and no reason to take and that i'd come out the other side and could now actually crack a smile without wanting to cry...

and so you can imagine the shiver i got when after not hearing this song for a while i heard it the other night, the goosebumps and the memories that went flashing through my head, and so here it is, wish the end wouldn't have got cut off but i wasn't filming so i guess i shouldn't bitch right? and like the lyrics say i'll be ready, i have to be, but like the title of the post says i think i'll wait awhile, with a little luck and a nod and a wink from those stray gods...

6 comments:

Diary of Why said...

Beautiful post.

One day I will see BoH. I will.

mapstew said...

And now I'm gonna buy you another black pint! :¬)

daisyfae said...

when they're all grown up and being adults and shit, and really start getting it together? that's the time we speedball to the finish line... right?

sybil law said...

Hey! just checking in - I am reading, but mostly packing. Fucking packing and packing and throwing shit away. Anyway, hi!
I'm glad you're here. In every sense. :)

Jayne said...

"...i'd come out the other side and could now actually crack a smile without wanting to cry..." Oh man, that's a killer of a sentence. I mean, starkly beautiful.

The stray gods are on your side. ;)

Chef Files said...

It takes big balls to stare down the cold frightening double barrels of instant death, I know, I've done it.

I've seen and done a lot of things that I wish I hadn't, but I've never got to the brink that others before have.

Life goes on and so do I.