Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Wilderness Years - Young, Drunk, Stupid and Incredibly High - Part 2

And so it was that Jimmy Brooks, heir to the family clothing store and old money, turned and visibly shaken and weeping went back down the steps to his family store, entered his office and... meanwhile up in the apartment The Hassler and i celebrated, we laughed and laughed at the grown man we had made cry with threats of bodily harm and arson, of course the celebration was short lived as the Poet and his skeezer burst from the bedroom fully clothed, called us both assholes and dashed for the door telling us that they were leaving before the police arrived, it was at that point that it dawned on our hero here that he had a half pound of weed, baggies, a scale and a few other things of an illicit nature laying around, small town cops didn't always need a warrant to ransack the place so it was with great speed an efficiency that i threw everything in a duffel bag and stealthily climbed down the back fire escape, i ran to the Zinch's house and stashed the stash in the trunk of his car and then headed back to the apartment to see what would transpire next... by this time the Hassler had made his way to his room and passed out on his bed and i walked in locked the door and the put on the chain and crawled into my own...

I was just about to enter the wonderful world of dreamland when there was a loud pounding on the door, the Hassler was now near comatose as i heard the snores from  down the hall so i rose and crept to the door and said who is it, Podunk police was the response and i took a deep breath and unlocked the door but not the chain, can i help you i asked in my most sarcastically polite voice and it was at this point that he stated the Hassler's Christian name and asked if this was his place of residence, i began to laugh as i yelled "Hassler the cops are here for you", unlocked the chain and stood directly in the good officers path, the good officer was a baby-faced young man who stood all of maybe 5'7 and at best was 130 pounds soaking wet, in front of him stood a 6'4 inch 190lb lunatic in boxer shorts and a button down shirt, long unkept hair and shit-eating grin, the Hassler came bounding out in a t-shirt and boxers and immediately started laughing, "how old are you he" cackled, "none of your business" was the officers response, name and badge number was mine and baby-face looked at both of us and i could see that he was wondering if it was to late to call for back-up, Hassler sat down on the couch and lit a cigarette as Officer Pack stated his name and badge number, i of course stated that this was just for the purpose of knowing who we were dealing with in case of course of any irregularities that might arise during his visit, i then queried the good officer on the fact that his last name was the same as a sitting town council member and he stated that said council member was his father, to which Hassler spat out "that nepotism wasn't just some big word in the dictionary", a statement that i do believe was lost on our young officer...

Officer Pack must have been thinking that he drew the shit end of the stick on this fine wintry morning, he then told the Hassler to put out the smoke and that he was under arrest for an outstanding warrant, seems that the Hassler in a drunken stupor had lifted a Snickers from the local 7-11 sometime last year and that the fine had yet to be paid, to which the Hassler said bullshit i paid it but which Officer Pack insisted that it wasn't and that if there was some mistake which he doubted there was that the Hassler could take it up with the district magistrate where he would be going directly, i of course sat on the couch as soon as the good officer told Hassler to get up and quit smoking and lit up my own conveniently blowing smoke in his general direction, i then stated that he looked a bit young to be a cop and he stated that he had all the proper training and Hassler added plus a daddy on town council and we got a good laugh out of it and i kept asking, c'mon man how old are you? you even old enough to drink? you old enough to vote? to which Officer Pack informed me that if i pushed my luck i could go for a ride too, to which i replied that i seriously doubted that and began to inform him that asking questions of a police officer was not a crime as far as i could tell and then stated how i had helped get one of his little Nazi buddies fired a few years back for flaunting laws and acting like some vigilante, "you might remember officer Hamburger i snarled, hell for all i know you got his job", so how old are you? we were relentless and poor, young Officer Pack finally blurted out 21, to which we began hooting and hollering and saying you're younger than us and a cop? Jay-sus H. Christ and good young Officer Pack began to dance nervously and told us to stay put as he walked back towards the kitchen, i got up to see what he was doing and he ordered me to sit down and i stated that this was our place and that he was not about to roam around unattended, he then quietly mumbled something into his radio and headed back down the hall towards us...

The good officer then informed the Hassler that he was taking him to the magistrates and the Hassler shook his head and mumbled how this was bullshit, he laughed and said, "well can i at least get dressed?", to which Officer Pack nodded and as the Hassler turned to go into his room the officer followed him, Hassler stopped and said "what are you doing? watching me get dressed?" to which young Officer Pack responded, "i need to keep a visual on you at all times", to which i laughed and snorted, "like when you were in the kitchen calling for back-up" and then the Hassler let out his second killer line of the morning and cackled "yeah you never know when i'm gonna come out with 45's a blazing!", to which Officer Pack's jittery hand jumped to his belt and his already pale face lost that last of it's blood and he looked more like Casper the cop than anything else, i sensing that this could go south real fast calmly said "easy John Wayne" it's a fucking joke, to which the Officer said "it's not funny and watch your language", of course me being a smart ass shot back "yes sir" and the Hassler pulled on some jeans and his coat and walked out to have Officer Pack spin him around and put the cuffs on him, of course still being somewhat drunk and stoned the Hassler and i began laughing like hyenas at this and Officer Pack shot me a look and told me not to press my luck to which i responded big bucks no whammies and he looked at me as if i had just stepped off a spaceship and he then shoved Hassler down the hall towards the door...

I got up to watch the parade of the Hassler and the diminutive officer and he told me to stay where i was, i could do nothing but shake my head and yell "if you need any bail money let me know, i'll be at the bar", to which the Hassler smiled and was lead out the door to his awaiting chariot... i was now sitting in an empty apartment bathed in the gray morning light of a fading westeren Pennsyltucky winter, it wasn't even 10am and i wandered toward my bed, which was once again a matttress tossed on the floor and noticed that the Poet and the Skeezer had left half a joint in the ashtray on his night stand, i lit it up and sat in the corner of my room, smoked it all and tossed the roach in the toilet for good measure, i climbed into bed hoping to get an hour of sleep or two until the bar on 5th ave. opened, the Hassler would find out his paper work had been screwed up and the magistrate would apologize for the inconvienance and yuk it up a bit about what a tizzy we had put good old Jimmy Brooks in, by 1pm we were both down at the 5th ave. laughing and telling our story to anyone who would listen, we lifted our 7&7's to the heavens and grinned like idiots...

10 comments:

Dolce said...

Makin' notes....

nursemyra said...

Do cops visit one at a time in the States? they travel in pairs down under - or in the case of females it seems to be three at a time

sybil law said...

Hahahahaha
Aaand now I wish I had a 7 & 7.

daisyfae said...

it always seems that the local pork are far more likely to push the envelope than the state cops. generally, i don't fuck with either, though. although i've been tempted on a couple occasions!

well done, mr. kono...

The Unbearable Banishment said...

I hope you know that all of this has gone onto your permanent record. You'll never be Mayor of Cleveland, young sir.

Kono said...

Dolce- feel free to stalk me at your leisure.

Nurse- small town cops aren't like real cops they're like mall guards with guns there probably weren't enough on duty to send two.

Sybil- you bring the Seagram's, i'll grab the ice and 7-Up.

Daisy- think NWA said it best...

UB- On the contrary, i think this makes me a more upstanding citizen than 95% of Cleveland mayors past and present.


U

Diary of Why said...

KONO I GOT TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jayne said...

I'm impressed you, at that young age, knew the name of a sitting town council member. I barely know the ones in this sad town. (Have no interest either.)

6'4"? And I thought my son was tall. Does come in handy though, huh? No one has ever fucked with him. Course, he's still in high school...

Kono said...

DofW- alright after all that how was it?

Jayne- i only knew cuz i wrote for the university newspaper and had to cover council meetings... and i actually rounded down, i'm closer to 6'5 but i'm to old to be concerned with fractions, and your boy is young he may still be growing you know.

Diary of Why said...

Awesome! Blog post to follow.