Sometimes things get dark... metaphorically and cosmically... i mean hell when one needs to write two apocalyptic state of the nation posts one could surmise that the darkness can sometimes drown out the light... or maybe it's something more like those strange short days and long nights way up north, where the sun, the light, makes an appearance for a few hours or less then disappears back into the darkness... it's when this happens that i usually look to carve out that time to sit in a dark room and let the mushroom speak... one might think therapy or some other such plunge into the world of psychoanalysis might help but to be honest i'm not a big believer in such things, at least not in the modern sense cuz it seems there are a lot of, let's just say, sub par professionals in said profession... it doesn't take much to hang out a shingle and declare oneself open for business, to collect a fee (from insurance or otherwise) without every really dispensing any sound advice or action for moving forward, whatever the fuck that means or what is more correctly the work of healing oneself... i guess the question is heal from what but that would most likely come down to the individual, is modern humanity so fucked up that we all need to heal? hell if i'm being honest, yeah probably, it's just i'm not sure how "modern therapy" accomplishes any of that... and so i turn to the mushroom and the mind to see what i can work out in the dim light of stars and moon through half shut shades...
The interesting thing about the mushroom is not only the way it speaks but the way it listens... i never have a set idea of what's going to happen when i take a dose, i just let whatever happens happen, hence sometimes it's just listening to music and talking to Paco and now Archie... of course there are usually points in the night where that happens anyway, mushrooms or not, but i find it lovely how my two cats will just lay there patiently with their tripping human, will get right in my face as if to make sure i'm okay and then return to their spot purring away, glancing back to check on me while also watching the door as if they are guarding me as well... if there has been any light these days in the world of El Kono it comes from his animals, both wild and domestic, but particularly from his cats and more specifically from these two though all of them seem to make me laugh and smile and remind me of what unconditional love is like... it's a pretty cool thing the relationship that develops between human and feline (or any number of other animals) but i put the good old housecat a rung or two above most, they just seem to have a greater sense of things, at least the ones i've known, yeah they have their quirks, who of us doesn't? but i know that when shit gets bleak they will be the first ones there to give me a head butt and remind me that it's not all bad...
Which brings me back to the other night, seems i've made it a habit of tripping on certain days and the eve of the winter solstice was no different, the longest night of the year, at times it's like an endless night around here, one shit show after another, which brings me once again to a domestic situation that is nothing more than a business relationship masquerading as some sort of union... it most definitely is not, neither physically or psychologically or emotionally, the BW and i come at things from such different perspectives it's a wonder the "business" still works at all around here... in a way we're play acting, tolerating just enough of each other to make things work and while i could piss and moan about being treated like an indentured servant around here that shit's just old, i do what i have to and though i may get frustrated at times i understand that's just natural, we all get frustrated by situations and we must deal with them in the best way possible... maybe mine is eating boomers and pondering, reading books, scratching Paco on his head, getting lost in a piece of music and daydreaming a few minutes away... that said it was an interesting trip the other night...
As has been documented here the trials and tribulations of the I-mac have been more than a bit stressful... unfortunately his mother and i come at it from different approaches, hell i can even see some very minute progress being made but for the most part there is still a fucking long way to go... over the last six months or so i'd usually end up thinking about my sons when sitting in that dark room, many times the I-mac would cross my mind as i tried to work out the ways to help him, for lack of a better term, grow up, accept responsibility, often my idea and the BW's idea were not on the same page... sometimes i understood that in those moments of frustration and anger i could get lost in that maze, that instead of trying to find a solution emotion would end up exacerbating the problem, granted this is not an uncommon situation among fathers and sons everywhere but all that Zen shit flew out the window when the shouting started... as for Disaster, i worried about him in different ways, his big brother takes up a lot of time and energy, especially his mother's, and sometimes it's as if Disaster flies below the radar... Disaster is a lot more responsible than his big brother but does exhibit a lot of his father's tendencies when it comes to certain things, both the boyos do but there are different reasons for that, the I-mac and his ADHD has an impulsivity problem, Disaster is more calculated and that might be more worrisome in certain respects... he's a better poker player so to speak and knows how to keep things under wraps...
But the solstice brought the old mind round the the BW and the place we find ourselves in now... and i can't exactly say that it's a good place, in fact i'm not sure it's much of a place at all, maybe placeholder is a better term... an honest assessment of things is that we have only two things in common, the boyos and the cats, after that? nothing... there is not one thing i can think of that we enjoy doing together (or maybe just i) or interest that we share... yeah i know i'm an odd one, i like books and music and mushrooms and cannabis, the odd beer, the BW likes none of those... well not exactly, she's been reading some series of books, mindless fiction as she calls it and granted my reading list is not everyone's cup of tea, i do a lot of heavy reading i guess but i still read a fiction it's just what i read and what she reads are worlds apart... as for music? my interests are vast and varied, i still dig going to see live music though my back and knees aren't as happy about that as they once were, but i usually find a place to sit for a few minutes especially because the bands i dig are all playing little clubs, that said i don't understand how someone could not love music as it's such an important part of my existence... it does so many things for the mind and the soul that on days when i don't hear enough i actively seek out some time to sit down and listen to something... the BW despises the bar and while i'm nowhere near the barfly i once was i still like a trip to my favorite boozer (another boozer post to follow most likely), as i've always said i'm a social misanthrope, i like to hear and tell stories, it's the beauty of that oral tradition and i like to see people look up from their phones and actually have a conversation, to engage with the living instead of the virtual...
The mushrooms and the solstice had brought about some hard truths, most likely laid out previously... someday i'll get to the post weed king years but to not say too much, there is a large part of me that feels we'd have been better off going our separate ways way back when and we probably would have been much happier, granted i realize i stuck it out through the weed king years because of the sense of stability the relationship provided, i saw the dangers of dealing and being "single", each new relationship would pose a potential threat to the kingdom and while my actions in those years didn't really align with that theory it soothed my paranoia... i was a fucking bastard to say the least, i also understood i was never one for convention, yeah i understood someday i'd have to work a "regular" job but that didn't mean i had to live a normal life so to speak, browsing the halls of commerce and consumption, living in the burbs, (digression- i now realize that moving to the lily white may not have been the best move and that while it seemingly was better for the boyos i feel the amount of bullshit privilege that passes for normalcy out here is horrible, they'd have been better off in the city where while i would have had to put more effort into educating them, not that i haven't, they would have learned more firsthand, indispensable knowledge by seeing and dealing with people of much different circumstances than their own, out here the only difference is does the kid drive a Subaru or a BMW to school, it's frighteningly cookie cutter though the residents would huff and puff and talk diversity, it's bullshit... ) but back to the BW... back then there was a guy who she was obviously interested in but her being risk averse wasn't sure how to handle things or possibly break it off with yours truly because what if it didn't work out? in the end this guy became a CPA and i'm sure she may have finished her master's and been a teacher, something she would have felt more rewarding than the position she has now, though being a successful business owner pays well i'm not sure how satisfying it is... and i get that... granted it wasn't like i hid my views on things and the only job i really ever pursued and worked at was slinging weed (and making french fries at the beach but that's another series of posts)...
If there is one thing the mushroom is a master at it's the ability to bring out the kindness, the compassion, the empathy... laying in the dark and letting the mind go i felt and overwhelming sadness and empathy for the BW... it's pretty obvious to anyone who has access to this relationship what it is (see above), it's not great and yes while some of that is my doing some of it is hers as well... and i would add the more "successful" she became, see $$$ earned, the less reciprocal the relationship became, which in modern therapy terms, can't shake the smartass can i, is not a good thing... i'd wager to say we both feel relatively alone when it comes to any meaningful relationship type thing, there's the most tenuous bit of a partnership but as stated that comes only when it's the boyos or the cats... throw in the fact her first born son is a right bastard to her on a near daily basis and there are times when she could probably use a hug... problem is that isn't a thing around here anymore for many reasons... the BW does a fucking lot of shit for the I-mac who in turn shits all over her, i've told her that until he learns that treating people like shit is not a recipe for having people do things for you i will not do fuck all for him, yes i do the basics but after that he has to fend for himself, no extra cash, no slack on schoolwork, granted i'll help if he honestly needs it but if it's one of those deals where he's claiming he can't do it cuz it's easier for someone else to do it for him (see his mama and his whole senior year of high school) then fuck no, failure is a great teacher problem is his mama won't let him fall down, which brings us back to the mess that is that relationship...
Boyo Uno got dumped over Thanksgiving and was/has been a bit torn up about it... why? not sure as watching him and the ex-princess (a girl from a wealthy and snotty neighboring burb) interact i didn't see how anyone was having a good time, it was constant drama, granted maybe i'm just projecting my younger self and how i would have bailed on this shit show (ironic huh?) but it seemed way to stressful for a high school/ first year of college relationship... i could write a dissertation on the reasons and my son but i will spare the reader that... that being said, the I-mac leaned heavily on his mama for emotional support, cried and told her how much he loved her and how he knew he was horrible sometimes yet here we are and no less than Xmas morning his mother is crying because he has acted like a complete shit... i actually showed a huge amount of restraint as i was thinking about tossing his gifts into the backyard, i wanted to remind him that there were many "children" who didn't get fuck all at his age or at least not the amount of shit his mama bought him, in fact if is was up to me he'd have gotten much less or basically only shit he needed or possibly a list of expenses paid out over his last few fuck ups... i will add she can be a bit overbearing at times when it comes to helping him stay organized and get shit done but that's when i chime in that it's fucking grow up time, if he doesn't do what he needs to do he can deal with the consequences, but i'm not his mama and i know how mamas are so while i add my view it's usually met with disdain... in short i can see why she feels sad and lonely...
What struck me about this last trip though was what a certain train of thought the seemed to sneak into the stream of consciousness... it had to do with where do i go from here? there were mental calculations in my head both financial and familial to work out... i realize i'm not what any company is looking to hire and i'm not even sure i know where to look (though the cannabis industry seems a logical start), a 50-something who hasn't held a meaningful job in over a decade, granted i would come out of this thing with a decent amount of assets and i'd be nowhere near as well off as the BW would be but that's okay, to me it's not a contest to see who can get the most, though i might be making the same mistake my father made, it's just about being fair, i don't need half even though she'd still have her business, i don't need alimony, i just need to be released from my contract so to speak... the unknown aspect is how she would react, i feel she would be shocked or blindsided but then again i could be completely wrong, if she thinks about this situation at all i don't think she would be that surprised, hell she might even be relieved but then again i realize we all have the capability to polish shit to a shiny gold sheen and pretend it's not really shit... the other option is to bring up the unpleasant facts and decide if since we get along well enough to just turn a blind eye to whatever the other is doing, basically officially become roommates while sharing expenses... somehow i don't think that'll fly since i don't bring in nearly as much cash and one of the things often said around here is how "she's paying for this" or "her money being spent", i'm not even sure she realizes it anymore but it doesn't give me the most comfortable feeling...
And then there are the boyos and the effect it will have on them... something i know all too well... i could see the I-mac being a bit like his old man and not speaking to me for a time regardless of the circumstances, even if his mother agreed to it and was on the same page as me i think he'd most likely place the blame at my feet, and that would be fine, for as much as they butt heads he is his mother's son and i'll freely admit she understands him better than i do... as for Disaster, i may worry about him the most... in the past year or so i've watched as his relationship with his mother has grown but at heart he's still his father's boy, i still remember the day when he got lost at the high school football game and the first thing he said when we found him was, i was afraid i'd never see my dad again, i also know that he'd worry about both his parents, he's more sensitive than he let's on, a bit like his old man, yet even though a situation like that would be tough i feel he'd understand it and get on with things accordingly, i've talked to both boyos about the fact they are probably not seeing the healthiest of relationships when it came to their parents and yes maybe i was trying to prepare them for the possibility of someday their parents living in different places, maybe even different cities, but the reality is it's not out of the question and i don't want them to feel like they've been sucker punched if it happens... though i'm not sure if that's even a realistic possibility...
The last bit that rolled through the old mind was about the cats... yes how could i not think about them, i dwelled on finding a place to live that accepted pets knowing that i'd most likely be renting an apartment, i also knew there would be a question of which cat goes where, some would be obvious, granted it depends on when/if this happened... there's no question about Paco, he'd come with me, Maya would stay with the BW and most likely Korra, though that might be a debate, same with Archie though i'd probably demand a trade and since Paco and Archie get along i'd have a good case that would appeal to the BW's love of cats, she'd want them to be happy... as for Zuko? it might depend on the boyos and the fact he's starting to get up there, but i'd lobby for him as well but since he tends to sleep upstairs with the BW he might be better off staying... so yes, a lot of shit to work out... but these were all the things the mushroom and i talked about... until the next time...
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