There are few things in this life more pleasurable than waking up next to a beautiful and naked woman... and that is where i found myself on this grey and pleasant Sunday morning, well afternoon really, waking up next to Veronica. Gulf and the Bean Man were busy talking away in the other room, discussing plans for the day most of which revolved around a bit of food and a day down the local boozer. I somewhat grudgingly arose from the confines of a warm and wonderful bed and made my way towards the kitchen, greeted my mates and put the kettle on for some tea. I stretched, i yawned, i made tea with milk and sugar and took a cup to Veronica who was still lounging languidly in bed. We drank our tea and smiled at each other, her talking excitedly about how wonderful it had been since she'd arrived. I hit the water heating contraption so that we could clean up, the flat having no shower but just a deep and excellent bathtub. Veronica was in the bath when Gulf and Bean were dressed and heading out the door, told us to meet them down the pub (i knew my way quite well to said pub) and to not take all day or spend the afternoon shagging and sleeping. No worries i told them we'd be there shortly. Of course i may have been stretching the truth a bit...
Out the door they went as Veronica stepped from the bathroom wrapped in a towel and beaming, she immediately took my hand and led me back into the bedroom where she dropped her towel and pulled me down into bed. We went back to our new favorite pastime and were casually lounging in bed when the phone rang, it was Gulfboot yelling to quit fucking and get down the pub or they were coming back and raising hell. I laughed and told him i just take a long time to prepare for a trip to the pub and that there was nothing of the sort going on here. Riiiight, he said, get the fuck down here. I told him we'd be there soon and i lit a half burnt spliff, took a few drags, and out the door we went.
Veronica and i walked down the street hand in hand, she was soaking it all in, looking at the houses and talking about this adventure as we rounded the corner and headed into the pub. It was around 2 or 3 when we arrived and the place was relatively empty. I bought a pint of ale for me and a cider for her. We pulled up a seat at the table and joined the conversation. It was the usual hi-jinks and bollocks of a Sunday afternoon in the pub, doesn't matter what part of the world i was in it was always the same and in my younger days i liked nothing more than wasting, in the best sense, an afternoon in this fashion. We drank and talked, gambled at the machines and were progressively raising more hell as the booze kept flowing. There was only one other group in the pub, almost a reflection of ourselves, one woman and three men and i could sense they were getting a bit fed up with the antics of Mr. Gulfboot who was having a bit of fun by taking a bit of beer and running it through his hair while imitating Wolverine and barking out his catch phrase, something like, snicket, basically gibberish. It was a good laugh and we weren't bothering anyone but in my business you always took in what was happening around you. Hence my subtle notice of our friends across the pub.
I was keeping a watchful eye on the group across the way, noticing the subtle whispers every time Gulfboot would go into his routine. I could tell they didn't like it and this is where crime seemingly does pay. I clocked what was going on and was prepared to head it off. Each time one of them would walk by they'd try a clandestine eye of the table and then began trying to engage us in conversation. The were looking for an opening and when the topic of music came up the opening was there and they took full advantage. Gulf and Bean had their backs to them and hadn't picked up on the underlying animosity so when Gulfboot invited them to join us i knew it might kick off.
The underlying part didn't last long as straight away i could tell the female of their group did not fancy Veronica who i made sure was sitting next to me, having actually whispered in her ear to watch cuz i didn't like our new "friends". Lassie immediately started in trying to prove herself, from what a psychoanalyst would call an inferiority complex. The men in her group all paid attention to Veronica, particularly the ringleader and it was interesting to watch as Veronica let them all know who she was here with and who she would remain with. Lassie began to talk shit about how tough she was with her tattoos and piercings while Ringleader and Gulf began to argue about music. The cock-off had begun.
Our new "friends" were Scots and i told them i was a jock as well, gave my surname which seemed to diffuse the situation temporarily but soon it was right back into the shit. They were itching for it and i could sense it, slowly Bean Man and Gulf began to realize our new mates were not so neighborly. As the music debate heated up i did my best to keep shit calm. It was an argument about the greatness of Scottish vs. English bands, i had mentioned my love of both and how the Jesus and Mary Chain were big in my book as well as Big Country, who i had stumbled upon watching MTV way back in the early 80s as a young teen and how i had all the albums on cassette. Ringleader was well chuffed with that as i sang a bit of my favorite tune but soon it was back to the argument and as tensions rose i finally said, you're all fucking wrong, America fucking slays you both! Michael Jackson, Madonna, Elvis!! I had actually said it in jest but soon realized that the argument was over as silence fell upon the table for a moment and everyone sort of shook their heads and agreed. Well played, the Ringleader admitted. But we were not out of the woods yet.
Lassie felt the need to keep up the attack that her man had eased up on and began to have a go at Veronica, once again about tattoos and piercings, which apparently made the woman these days. Of course unbeknown to our fair Lassie here, El Kono had a few piercings of his own, done when he was young and stupid and with lovely stories behind each. Lassie was bragging about her nipple piercing when i calmly stated, i have one as well, the Jock contingent all stared as i lifted my shirt and showed them my nipple. Not be outdone the Lassie pulled out her breast and showed us hers, not that anyone had asked. I explained that the first time i had my nipple done was with a safety pin and that it had gotten ripped out at a disco party but a year or two later after it healed i did it again properly... or as properly as i got pierced. I explained my friend the Engineer was well into it and had piercing needles and did it himself hence why at one point i had three hoops through my scrotum. Now the tide had turned and i was on the offensive. Veronica chimed in smiling beautifully, he does and the Jock contingent didn't know what to make of it. Not to be outdone i stood up and whipped out my balls, looped my pinky through the hoop and pulled it out. See, i said. At this point there was a gasp and guffaw and the battle was over. I had somehow claimed the crown as the most fucked-up weirdo they'd ever met.
After that the threat of violence subsided but the preening part of the cock-off continued. The Ringleader openly bragging about what a criminal he was and how he had carried a gun back in Glaz-gey. He kept looking at me to see what sort of impression this made but as a Septic i was bit non-plussed. I explained that i worked out of and sometimes hung out at a bar where guns had to be checked at the door. I also mentioned that i was often the only white guy in the place. When Ringleader asked how that was Gulfboot chimed in with, cuz he's the man back across the pond. A brief discussion ensued about my main occupation and i could tell the entourage portion of the group, the two stooges who said very little, were no longer so keen to scrap. They realized they had a full-fledged septic drug dealer in their midst which somehow commanded respect and made me their new mate.
Now that the testosterone had subsided i could breath a bit easier. Ringleader pulled me aside to the end of the bar and ordered two pints. He explained that Gulf had seriously annoyed them and that he still didn't like him and would like nothing more than to "splatter his nose across his face." I chuckled and stated he was having a bit of fun after a long Saturday night and that he was a top geezer and my best friend. Ringleader continued on, he stated that their intention when pulling up seats was to get it to kick-off. He was checking to see my reaction to which i replied, i know you were. He seemed surprised by this and then stated that when it did he was getting me, seeing that i was the biggest one there. I nodded nonchalantly and shrugged. He then showed me his knuckles and explained they were all out of whack from the amount of fights he'd been in. I smiled at him and said, you must throw a shit punch, then proceeded to show him mine. See how pretty they are, i said grinning, that's because i don't have to throw that many, in fact it only takes one and you'll never see it coming, a square go, no bullshit. He let out a hearty laugh and said, i fuckin' like you mate! That's why we let it go, i told me mates you were a alright, i'd still like to knock your mate out though. I laughed and lifted my pint, yeah? me too sometimes. And with that it was over. I excused myself and made my way back to Veronica. The Jocks finished their pints and headed to the exit. Just another Sunday afternoon, now Sunday evening, down the pub.