Seeing as the country i live in has turned into a raging shit show that i'm starting to believe gives even the average citizen a case of PTSD or TTSD (which is what you get when you replace the Post with the surname of a certain ex toddler in chief) i went into Sunday night thinking it might be a good time for another dose, to take the edge of the shit show that is the current state of affairs around these parts... and as usual it was a fine time, i probably didn't take a dose as big as i'd have liked but it's always a guessing game with this stuff especially when one is clandestinely downing them in a small room as so not to draw any attention. It's also usually sometime after 9pm so that the the boyos are well on their way to their bedrooms before one of nature's most pure and beautiful medicines takes hold to help their old man work his way through the present while understanding and navigating this mortal coil.
And so i took up my residence on the couch bed and turned on my favorite music channel, as the synapses began to spark and the muscles twitch and stretch i was in the rare air of battling the light and the dark, the dark seeming to be winning these days it was then that the youngest boyo made his way in to get some water and give me a hug, as i sat and watched him at the water dispenser (yes the Breadwinner refuses to drink tap water and we have two water dispensers) he didn't know i was watching him, he was looking idly at the water going into his water bottle, his shadow against the wall a bigger version of him, his mop of hair and skinny legs which always seem to be half dancing, he was gorgeous that boy and his old man lay thinking about how much he loved his son. A short time later came the eldest boyos turn, he has his rituals and the last thing he says after he gives me a hug is, "goodnight dad, love you." Of course since he's in the habit of staying up later than he should i was a bit further along but by this time the room was dark and the boyo knows everyone else is sleeping. As previously noted it's my job to chase his ass to bed but since they were off school the next day i wasn't all that concerned, as a teen he's now learned the fine art of sleeping in.
The morning saw me wake to snow covered ground with a slightly fuzzy head but with a serene feeling flowing through the veins. I walked upstairs to the news that the Breadwinner had been checking grades and that Nick Disaster was now failing his English class, sixth grade being the first year of middle school is one of the more challenging years, both boyos are in what are called transition years, one to middle school and one to high school, and while the I-mac seems to be thriving with the on-line learning it's been a definite struggle for Nick Disaster. When he woke that morning i sat him down and told him the news and why, a certain thing he dropped the ball on and this is after he had done all sorts of work to bring his grade up to a C. He was upset and we talked. He tends to get down on himself and i told him that what we're dealing with now is unprecedented, that it hasn't happened for a century and we'll do the best we can. I told him he's a smart kid but that this method isn't the most conducive for his learning and that he just needs to keep working, pay attention, and that his old man will do more to help him and that we'll get through it together and that when he does get back to school in-person he'll be fine. I told him to email the teacher and see if he could fix anything to at least bring it up to a D as he was sitting as 59%. There was one assignment left ungraded since the marking period had ended and he aced it which just got him above the line.
Which brings us back to the current state of things... Driving around in my gig as a modern day serf gives me time to think and thinking i was... i got worry, i'm sure most of us do. I was worried about what kind of place i was living in, the kind of place that lies blatantly through it's smirking lips that we are a democracy founded on freedom and equality. The kind of place where the system can be rigged to keep a minority party in power, a minority party hell bent on keeping the status quo of white privilege while stoking the fires of what i have coined hegemonic white butt hurt. Those suffering from hegemonic white butt hurt also seem to suffer equally from the Dunning-Kruger, to stupid to realize they are stupid, believing stories about cabals drinking the blood of children in the basement of pizza parlors, believing the Earth is flat and planning expeditions to prove it, believing in some warped and twisted version of a religion where they take the words of the original hippie (who was really part Buddhist part magician) and deeming it that they must violently overthrow anything they don't agree with, in short they have taken, been given the go ahead, to act like the spoiled children they are because their hero is the all-time asshat of spoiled children.
If only i didn't read so much, if only like a vast majority of my fellow citizens i could place my blind faith in twitter feeds and propaganda programs masquerading as news shows, if only i could bury my head in the sand and quit thinking so critically about things, then maybe i'd feel better about shit... but probably not. The ugly truth of it is this grand experiment is hanging on by a thread, run amok with people screaming about freedom who really want a daddy dictator to tell them what to do and think, manipulated due to a lack of education or because they refuse to use what education they have to fucking think, voting and acting against their own self interest and then in those flickering moments of realizing how foolish they've been quickly pointing their finger and blaming someone else. The average age of congress (and most Faux News viewers) is 68, the average age in the US is 38. I believe in the youth and that we'd all be better served if the kids took control of shit and explained to the old fucks that all the money in the world doesn't amount to shit if there is no world, no society, no civil discourse, no understanding, no compromise, no compassion or empathy and the need to work together. If the old guard have their way we are fucked ten ways to Thursday.
Ultimately though, like most humans, i'm selfish, though i work hard not to be. Mainly i worry about the boyos, about a virus running rampant, about the Dunning-Kruger and the level of stupid, about the fact the being afflicted with the Dunning-Kruger doesn't exclude one from owning firearms, about spending a school year in their rooms learning from a screen instead of walking the halls of their school and hanging out with their friends, about a growing number of fascists believing they take orders from "god' while arming themselves to the teeth, about a growing number of fascists believing their "dear leader" sends them coded messages that they need to decipher and carry out his will, about a place where common sense in not all that fucking common these days, where it's more hate thy neighbor than love thy neighbor.
And amidst all this i worry, i worry about keeping the boyos as safe as possible knowing that i can only do so much and that if i don't control the mind that it will drive me insane. I got a hearty chuckle there in the dark thinking about how for a long time i never really worried about my safety, still don't really other than how it relates to the boyos, how i spent years doing things (sex, drugs, what the squares call criminal activity) that could have landed me in a world of hurt or worse and yet now i can careen towards an overprotective mama bear when it comes to my cubs, one of whom is bigger than most adult males. Funny how this works. All that and more went flickering through my head as the music played softly in the background, The Dirty Three, no words, just the guitar and drums and violin... but in the end those magic little mushrooms helped, to keep me sane, to make me relax, to understand that i don't understand and that many things are out of my control and that i need to keep the head down and do what i can to raise the boyos to be all the things this society is lacking in. Or to put it more simply, decent human beings with compassion and empathy for their planet and all the life that is on it. I can't take credit though because they're doing pretty well on their own. Until the next trip... Major kono over and out.