Green Tea

I had my first back spasm this past month and i can readily admit it's not something i'd like to experience again, poor Nick Disaster stood and cried and said he didn't want to go to basketball practice as his father crumpled to the ground on his hands and knees, breathing deeply and trying to reassure him that he'd be fine, it would pass and then we could go... and pass it did but i don't think fine is the word i'd use to describe how i felt after... of course being house boy means you don't get fucking days off and so off i went to multiple games and practises, barely able to get in and out of the car, it's amazing how people think you're smiling when you're really gritting your teeth... but somehow i made it through the day and figured fuck it, all i have to do is be careful and that won't happen again... oh but i am a silly man, yes i am...

In these lovely days of winter i adhere to a strange regimen of bullshit, kono-mysticism, and half-baked theories gleaned from the covers of grocery store checkout magazines, i drink a lot of tea, most of it green tea for the antioxidants but i've got some black and English breakfast just for good measure, the green is done with lemon and a touch of sugar, the others are made good and strong with sugar and milk, i usually stand and stare off into space when i drink my tea, i'm not sure this a contemplative stare or that of an aging space cadet, oddly enough i haven't thought about it, but it's what i do and i listen to whatever happens to be playing on the turntable or radio while staring blankly out the windows while the cardinals and blue jays battle and the fucking  absent-minded squirrels hide their nuts, i eat CBD gummies in hopes of somehow reversing all the damage done to my body from years of  abuse and knowing that i'm most likely proper fucked in that department, and yes all of this is usually preceded by the clandestine and mellow toke, just enough to take the edge of the aches and pains i've accrued through the former and present punishment i dish out to this skin suit...

So in the hopes of avoiding the pain of the back spasm i convinced myself of the purity of my healthy lifestyle, yes i can hear you laughing  but the mental part is half the battle now isn't it? convince the mind that everything is hunkfuckingdory and the body will sort itself out... so while it wasn't a total surprise that i had another back spasm what was a surprise is that instead of this one lasting two minutes it went on for roughly seven or eight hours, not non-stop mind you, as long as i didn't move i was fine but everything in between hurt like a motherfucker...

It all started so innocently as i sat at this very computer in a shitty metal folding chair, Spartan Chic i dare say, when suddenly here it came, within seconds i was on all fours and then within minutes i was contemplating taking up religion so that at least i would have some deity to bargain with, curse at, plead with, make false promises to, anything really as long as said deity would make the pain stop, the boyos sat in the next room and came running in and found their old man prone on the floor and unable to get up, my legs seemingly deciding they had had enough of this walking and standing shit, i did manage to basically pull myself to a standing position and brace against the door while breathing deeply and hoping there would be no aftershocks, i was wrong, soon i was back down on the floor and the I-mac ran upstairs to tell the Breadwinner what was going on, the Breadwinner came down to find me on the floor and went to work on the internet to see what could be done, by this time of course both the boyos were freaking out because they have never seen their 6'4 inch 195lb. daddy laid out flat and writhing in pain, the I-mac was pleading with the Breadwinner to call an ambulance but no call or ambulance would be forthcoming, i understood why, she was tabulating the cost of the ER visit ($600 if i wasn't admitted) and the ambulance ride, what could they do? she said, i was about to scream shoot me fucking up with Demerol that's fucking what but at the time the pain was to busy occupying my thoughts... (if i stated what her end of year bonus, draw from her business, and other business rebate check was you'd understand just how low i rank, in fact the only chance i had for an ambulance/ER visit, seeing as there was no fucking way i could make it to a car let alone get into the damn thing, was the begging and pleading of the boyos but even then she remained unmoved...)

And so internet advice it was... the info relayed to me was that what i needed to do was get upright and jam my fist into the spasm, all well and good if i could actually stand and get my fist around my back before the pain crippled me, of course you'd be surprised what you can do and so i began to pull myself up the door again, once upright i shuffled slowly and leaned against a wall within sight of a pull out couch, the plan was to get there and fall down on my back, slide some pillows under my knees and jam that fist every time the pain shot... of course i still had to get there and i spent a good twenty minutes leaning on another door and jamming that fist, each movement brought pain ranging from holy shit to somebody please fucking put me out of my misery, but dammit i got there, my right arm burning from how hard i was cranking it into the epicenter of spasm central...

It had calmed down enough to get to the edge of the couch and i now faced the longest three feet of my existence, i didn't want the pain to come raging back and i knew the move i had to make to get down on that couch would do it, and so i took a deep breathe and flopped down, the pain firing and my fist digging in, once there i waited a few minutes breathing deeply and thinking fucking happy thoughts, i gave the nod to the Breadwinner who slid some pillows under my knees as another jolt sent my fist digging into my lower back, i laid there in the blue glow of the television and didn't move, even perfectly still the first hour or two i'd get jolts, one or two enough to illicit a pained "motherfucker" from my lips, i gingerly patted for the remote to turn on some music, classical and then jazz but it was the droning hum of American infomercial shilling that finally put me out, sleep never felt so good...

Until of course i had to piss...

When one is an able-bodied bastard their whole life you never really dwell on not being able to do a simple thing like get up, walk to the toilet, and toss a whiz... on this night i would learn what a privilege it is, of course in all my suburban mystic bullshit i had learned that sore muscles need water and so i lying there i drank as much as i could, i wanted to believe in magic, magic laughed, and so twice that night i had to rise and shuffle to the bathroom around the corner, i left the light on because i didn't think i could turn it on without another spasm, each time was an adventure, i would have liked to get out of my jeans but there was no fucking way that was happening, at least not without me screaming in pain, and so i would shuffle and piss and jam my fist in my back, as the dawn broke on my third piss i cautiously rose, there was ache but no mind-bending pain, i kept my fist at the ready, i took my leak and shuffled back and caught just a quick nip as i lay back down, i had come out the other side, at least for now...

I laid there and stared at the ceiling as the morning i usually orchestrated took place around me, the boyos came and carefully kissed my head and rolled out the front door and into the Breadwinner's ride, off they went and i slowly got up and vaped the heaviest indica on hand, whatever gets you through the night... or day... a couple of phone calls later (to the chiro and the doc) and i was out, i told myself that it wasn't that bad, as my little girl kitty sat next to me purring i almost cracked a smile... by noon i actually made it up the steps, the slight tweaking and twinging reminders like aftershocks to a great quake, to take it slow, to breath, i made cup of green tea, i shuffled back to my makeshift bed and read away the day amidst the sound of my breathing and the suburban nothing...