Heavens and Heathens

There is a road that runs from Pittsburgh to Altoona in the lovely state that i call home, and on this road is seems that there is nothing less than an endless struggle between the forces of good and evil, of course good and evil is a relative thing and what one may consider good another may consider evil and on this road they are juxtaposed in such a way as to make me ponder and giggle the whole drive, you see i've driven this road many times and have watched it change over the years, i often travel this road around certain holidays when in order to keep the peace i acquiesce to something that at worst is Guantanamo like and at best mildly boring, the things i do to keep a roof over my head, let me tell you...

The road runs through the Laurel Highlands, so named by the Scottish settlers who ended up here many years ago and who could not believe their luck in finding a place that had even shittier weather than their homeland, a mix of fog and freezing rain and snow and what seems an almost constant grey drizzle, it's a road that runs through nothing or if not nothing very little, a sparsely populated area of rednecks and hill-jacks, of people who like to polish their guns and are afraid of all non-whites, of course in this territory there are very few non-whites but they see the Fox news and know what a dangerous place the world is... and of course the two businesses that dominate the landscape once you are just east of Murrysville are churches and strip clubs/porno shops, (and a smattering of bars)... and therein lies the struggle for the soul of man... or something like that...

Now the churches run the gamut from the mega-church of Cornerstone Ministries, a bunch of fucking con men bilking the elderly and stupid out of what little money they have so they can build gigantic houses of worship and run a television station where they sit around in expensive ill-fitting suits while sporting ridiculous amounts of gold and inform us of all the places the Bible tells us to donate so that we can be saved and become rich just like them, hell it's even tax deductible which is something they seem to mention a lot, sometimes when i'm really good and cooked i'll turn it on just to admire the bullshit they are shoveling, you gotta hand it to these grifters, the way they see it practically every damn verse in that book is a reason to send them money and boy if those phones in the phone room aren't ringing off the hook...

And of course there are other types of churches in this stretch of road... one is in a warehouse, one looks like a tiny one room place which has a neon Jesus Saves sign above the door (something i've honestly thought about trying to heist) and a sign stating that truckers are welcome, the usual average looking joints with white steeples and a school bus or two parked on the side, they are every few miles it seems and of many denominations but with most leaning toward that evangelical style of mumbo-jumbo that seems to be all the rage these days in places not classified as urban, oddly i feel much safer in the ghetto than out here among the devout...

And then there is the other side of the coin, or should i say sticky token, cuz anyone who has ever been in the porno store knows you gotta wash your hands after handling those tokens, the tokens that get you into the little movie booths where one can watch any number of fuck flicks, gay or straight otherwise, a place where our esteemed state legislature of god-fearing types voted to remove the doors and install curtains to protect us citizens from jerking off or making new friends and jerking off or any other number of certain activities they deem unhealthy, you see in a world full of free porn the only reason to be heading to the sex shop is for lube and dildos and what not, all things that could also be bought online in a more discreet and private fashion but yet these stores are still here, a tribute to the perversions of humanity in all it's glory, the fading lights of a golden age where racks of porn magazines and sex toys mingle with the little canisters of nitrous oxide and VCR head cleaner and that weird shit called Rush, the only reasons these places are still here is for the same reasons that the churches line the road as well, people need other people, whether praying or enjoying some porn and a wank...

There used to be a half dozen strip clubs along this stretch as well, the world famous Climax I and Climax II were once located along this strip of road, the first strip club in the country to offer a drive through service, where one could literally pull in as if ordering a fucking Big Mac and watch a woman dance nude, these places were located in the middle of fucking nowhere and i often wondered who danced there? local women? and like the porn shops the doors to almost all these establishments was located around the back of the building, one can't see the entrance from the road, there was thought put into this most likely because some of the same people frequenting the churches were also frequenting .25c Adult Video and News, as well as the Beehive (i used to sell grass to a girl who danced here and her boyfriend) and Cheater's and Streaker's, all fine names for clubs located in the armpit of Pennsyltucky, all places well down the list of swanky strip clubs or even city clubs, this was A-ball not the major leagues...

And so salvation takes many forms on the shit road of state route 22/30, the heavens battle the heathens and you can rest assured that i fall squarely in the latter camp, not because i'm some massive proponent of pornography (though i am merely a sloping fore-headed neanderthal who likes when the frontal cortex lights up with stimuli, ie naked woman) but more so because i don't like church, particularly those of the bible waving, cross wearing, sadistic and cruel god types, to steal a line from a Jewish guy from Long Island singing to his Catholic friend Virginia, i'd much rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, because those sinners are much more fun, quarter nudie flicks and nitrous oxide beats readings and hymns every fucking time, and no worries when the shit gets thick we'll just blame the snake...