The Strange Happy Life of a Man called El Kono

I suggest right about now that you press the play button on the little video up there, you see the song starts slow and you might think that nothing is happening but believe me kids it picks up and this song here is like a microcosm of what goes on in my head on most days, i mean the lily white suburbs are supposed to be this bastion of normalcy but i think everyone out here is fucking batshit man, of course i'm not sure how many of them enjoy the Butthole Surfers but that just goes to show how weird they fucking are dig?

So let us begin... I'm not a fan of suburban cops, i'm sure that comes as a huge shock to everyone i know but hey, i'm not, they got fuck-all to do and spend most of their time writing traffic tickets and hassling high school kids drinking in the wooded areas behind expensive homes, having grown up in the burbs of Cleveland i know these things, of course even my former suburb was rougher than this one and yet my current address has a police force with no more than 4 unmarked cars, a behemoth riot monster truck, detectives and whatever else tickles their fancy, seems to me the tax base is might sweet out here, but yet this is not about the fuzz, you see i now study where they hide and know all of the nooks and crannies they use to line the coffers so they can buy more toys and now when i'm in my little hamlet i drive like a fucking grandma, mainly cuz i don't feel like giving them any dough and usually don't have anywhere pressing to be...

Now this morning as Nick Disaster and i where making our way about town a very disgruntled man ended up behind me in his Honda SUV, i was calmly driving along doing the speed limit, actually a little over for good measure but not speeding cuz around this time the fuzz are always hiding on said roadway, well it seems Joe Golfer was late for work or his tee time or something cuz he spent a good deal of his time being close enough to my rear bumper to know all my bumper stickers by heart (a Bukowski quote and various punk rock bands, fucking hipster dad i am), now you see this is a one lane road in each direction with some parking spaces on the right side and after Joe Golfer saw me checking him out he backed off a little only to try and make various attempts to pass me... on a one lane fucking road, with no passing zone, needless to say i was most calm and promptly drifted in my best NASCAR fashion to keep him right where he was, in fact he was going to attempt to pass me on the right and then cut all the was back over to make a left when the road became two lane right before the intersection...

Let us not forget one of my favorite people in the whole world was in the backseat and i was letting him know that a serious dick was behind us and yet i still remained quite calm, what's funnier is Joe Golfer probably had no idea that the man he was tailgating is a shade under 6'5 and a svelte 203 lbs and throws a absolutely wicked right uppercut, from the hip mind you the proper fucking way, but that's all useless information cuz as i began looked in the rear view mirror in noticed that Joe Golfer was not giving me just one bird but the double bird, the double fucking bird, appropriately enough a shit-eating grin crept across my face as i stared into the rear view mirror, i was quite pleased with myself,  i mean it's not every day you get the double bird and as i slowed down to let Joe Golfer get along side me to explain his behavior, Joe Golfer, who not seconds before was in such a rush, came to almost a complete stop, he would not pull up next to me so i could explain to him that i was trying to keep him from a traffic citation and that i thought his gestures were, for lack of a better term, impolite... so i slowed even more but Joe Golfer wouldn't take the bait and when he finally dared to punch it and make his left turn i shouted at him, "I'm an upstanding citizen! I drive the speed limit!" and carried on my merry way, of course had Joe G. been dumb enough to get out of my car i would have shown Nick Disaster exactly how to throw that punch with proper balance and foot work but hell the bakery was calling you know...

And then there was last week when upon being wickedly hungover due to a house full of in-law types i crept to the garage for my medicine, took the edge off the pounding and took Ze Disaster to school only to come upon two very butch lesbians having a playful argument about whether or not they should have more kids, the one was adamant they should not and the other, who looked like a smaller version of Drew Carey with more hair, was lobbying for it, as if she was going to get to apply the turkey baster or something,  really i have no idea other than that even i was quite amused as they smiled at me and said good morning... and so goes life these days...

Of course i'd like to hit the typer more because at this point i'm like fucking years behind schedule or something but these days my nights are spent washing down little blue pills of sister morphine with black pints between trips to the garage for my herb, the back is a bit fucked and i believe i might have to scale down these workouts or start doing fucking yoga or some such shit but i'm a glutton for fucking punishment and i enjoy putting myself through the ringer, hell so what if sometimes it takes me a few seconds to straighten my back out nothing a chiropractor or small Asian woman can't fix... and my days? well you should really see my vinyl collection, the house stays clean and these two grommets i know continue to amaze and dazzle this old man who often stares at them in wide-eyed wonder, i'm not saying shit but two weeks ago both scored hat tricks at their footie matches, in fact the larger knocked in 4 in a 7-3 win while Disaster scored his first ever and followed it up with a natural, needless to say i was glad to be wearing sunglasses that day cuz when he knocked the first one home he turned and looked up the field to me and smiled and said "i scored a goal daaaad!" and some old man had to wipe the mist out of his eyes... but enough for now, i'll be back soon enough with more tales from a sordid past, until then stay gold kids...