Monday, July 29, 2013

Rudderless



It's late and let's say i've indulged alot of my bad habits today, why you say? well i'll tell you, see the boyos are at their grandma-mas at that city by the lake that i love so much and i'll be the first to admit that when the boyos aren't around their old man goes a bit off the hinges, the world is just not right to me and yet as any stay at home parent type will tell you sometimes you need a break and i know it's good for the boyos to get away and it's good mentally for moi but damn that doesn't make me feel any fucking better about it, i miss everything about them, their faces, their laughs, their smiles, the things they do that piss me off and drive me up the wall, i'm like a ship without a rudder...

and years ago i remember people saying to me that if it wasn't for this woman or that woman i'd be dead and all i know it that they were wrong, women have never been a problem, i've always seemed to have one if i wanted one and though that may sound like the statement of an arrogant prick it's the truth, someday i'll get around to writing about my long and tumultuous relationship with the fairer sex but it wont' be tonight, hell i envy those guys who fall in love and stay in love and have some sort of meaningful relationship but i am am island unto myself and i can give the names and addresses of countless women who would tell you the same thing, they may have tried but there was no saving this soul, he didn't want or need any help with his own destruction that was until of course seven years ago when the I-mac showed up and changed the way he thought about everything, then Nick Disaster  showed up and changed it even more...

What weighs on me as the days tick by is that i only get a finite amount of time with them... and thats not saying i'm gonna keel over or anything but these little dudes will only rely on their old man for so long and then they will make their own way, that's the way it should be, that's what i did and that's why i fucking love every minute i have with them but i'm hoping that their old man does a good job and that someday off they'll go and though i know that day won't happen for another decade or so i know that day is still out there and i'll be sad and proud all at once and they'll never know that they were the reason the old dude managed to keep his ass out of jail and alive (with any luck of course), the reason he didn't mind the quiet nights where he could look in and listen to them breathe while they slept, forgot about all the streets he ran and the capers he pulled and how slowly what really mattered dawned on his fucking dome....

But like i said i've indulged alot of bad habits, they've been gone just over 24 hours... and their old man fucking misses them so much it hurts.

4 comments:

daisyfae said...

the transition from 'motherfucker what's in charge' of a household with kids, and empty nest, single mother was rough. mostly because i really like my kids, as well as that ferocious parental love.

i'm pretty much on the other side of it now. got no fucking rudder, which is why i fart around and wait for retirement so i can speedball to the finish line.

and i'm a loner. got my main man, and a couple of other playmates. but i'm going out alone, and i know it.

there are worse things.

your critters will be back, and you'll get the welcom eof a lifetime when they're home!

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Not to sound all cynical and whatnot but nobody falls in love and stays in love. Not in the way you do those first 24 months (give or take). You turn it into something else.

Was ruminating on the same thing this week. The daughters will pack up and leave me. Hope I'm not a shithead about it.

Next Friday I'll be at the Berea Fair. Demo derby and all. Heh.

Kono said...

Daisy- this is why i should stay away from typer when drugs and alchohol are involved... i just know that i left at 17 and never really thought about what my parents thought until i became one myself, just trapsed off into the world to party and cause trouble and damn i know that someday i'm gonna have many sleepless nights if either of the two are like their old man, hopefully they'll be nothing like me...

UB- I'd put that number at something like 30 days but hell i am a cynical bastard... and though it's what we raise them to do it sure don't make it any easier...

Anonymous said...

Damn. It's nice to read another parent's point of view from inside the bottle.