Eff-El-A



And so what does one do when they get shown the door? Why go on vacation of course and what better place to go on vacation than the place dubbed the "Happiest Place on Earth", i mean hell i just got the sack and had nothing but time and if  i'm being honest about the situation i can admit that this was planned well in advance of the sack though not that far ahead that i didn't know it was coming but if there are two people on the planet i don't want to disappoint it is the boyos and so i sucked it up and went to the fucking "Happiest Place on Earth"... and oh what a scam does Walt have going these days let me tell you...

First off let me state that this is the last place on the planet i want to visit but shit happens, it also was another one of those fine extended family trips where all of the girl's siblings and their progeny and some other hangers-on all showed up and yes the Posa was there but i had more than enough space between me and him and when it was all said and done i didn't really even have to deal with him that much, you see he spends much of his time running after a certain grand-kid, the obvious favorite who he showers with gifts and toys and spoils to no end and of course the kid eats it up and since she has a deadbeat dad somebody has to fill the daddy role, problem is that Posa doesn't fill it and mainly undermines any of the good that her mother is attempting to get accomplished, (a side note to this is that girl's sis now lives in the same city, a few neighborhoods over and Posa will come down and visit his favorite, take her to the movies and buy her shit and never bother to pop over and see his grandsons, of course i don't mind cuz i don't feel like putting up with him but let's just say it does not go unnoticed) needless to say i should give the kid a ten spot for keeping him out of the way and off my nerves but back to the story, as we know family vacations are the stuff cruel jokes are made of and though everyone tries to go about their own business and do what they want it never works out that way, it usually all ends up the same way, it's like a fucking bad movie i'm forced to watch and i've now learned to keep my head down, stay as drunk as possible and focus on the only two people who matter to me... nuff said.

As for Walt and his scam let me just say i'm glad i don't have any daughters cuz i saw the price tags on those little princess costumes as well as the fucking dosh needed to get into some breakfast to munch bagels with Snow White and Cinderella and let me say that i'm glad i can buy a couple of plastic swords and let the boyos beat the shit out of each other in peace, i mean don't get me wrong i'd have loved a daughter it just saved me a bit of green by not having one at Walt's World, of course that's not to say i got off to easy cuz product placement is the forte of the Disney company, you can not exit a ride without having to walk through a full fledged souvenir store no matter what park you are in and i was in something like 4 of them, i was pleased that the boyos didn't flip out to much and could only smile at the number of kids having a meltdown cuz they wanted this or that and finally the parents just saying fuck it and buying the overpriced junk just to get the kid to quiet down...

The other problem with the "Happiest Place on Earth" is that it is easily the rudest place i've ever been, let me clarify this by saying that the people who worked at the parks were great, they were the nicest most courteous staff you could find, one employee even offered to let the boyos and i right back on a ride, bypassing the line and all cuz he thought it was cool that they enjoyed it so much, i mean the people who worked there- awesome... the general public, a hoard of complete assholes who'd run over their own mother to get a picture with Goofy or beat you to the entrance of a line so they could wait 45 minutes to ride something, i was bumped or pushed or jostled more times than i cared to count and at first i was trying to be all cool about shit and polite but then it dawned on me that these assholes were bumping in to me, a fucking sorry or excuse me woulda been nice and when it happened to the boyos i really began to loose my patience with the process, and the fucking scooter set? the most dangerous and inconsiderate gang ever, by mid-week the polite El Kono had left the building and if you touched me or my boyos you got it right back with a sweet glare to boot and since i'm bigger than most of the general public no one really wanted to pursue it, of course i had to keep reminding myself not to lose it and begin beating the shit out of people, i could see envision the headlines at times "Pittsburgh Man goes Berserk at Walt's World, pummels 12"...

Now before you begin to think it was all a nightmare the trip did have it's high points, i attempted to drink my way around the world at Epcot, the funny part was that no one i was with seemed to notice and i managed to make it through Asia and a good part of Europe before i was almost falling down, still without anyone noticing, the place we stayed was fucking awesome and had a swell pool that the boyos and i hit on a regular basis including a bit of night swimming which they thought was super cool, i got to hang out with the boyos and take them on some pretty good amusement park rides, Nick Disaster still being a complete maniac and getting pissed that he was to small to go on certain things, the boyos and i ate ice cream and popcorn and hot dogs on a stick damn near every day, in fact i recall the I-mac and i sitting on a bench and eating our corn dogs and splitting a soda and him smiling up at his old man and saying "this is living daaaaad" and in the end it ain't about me anyway it's about making sure those two have a good time...

The other bonus was that i got to hang in my favorite state, yes i fucking love Florida, why you ask? well because Florida is fucking weird, particularly the center and west coast of it, sorry California, sorry New York, Eff-El-A beats you both, there is something about the place that is just out there, i made it a point to do a little driving around and visiting the local joints on my own, the best part was i driving a white Crown Vic which meant everyone got out of my way on the road cuz they all thought i was a cop right up until i zipped passed them, in the say three mile radius from the condo i was staying in i counted no fewer than 14 Asian massage parlors, in fact i was beginning to wonder if it wasn't some kind of state law the made it mandatory to have at least one rub and tug in every plaza, i heard more Spanish spoken in Florida than i did in Costa Rica and the Costa Ricans definitely spoke better English, i wandered around the Publix supermarket and soaked in the weirdness, i drank many beers and ate some quality pizza and in the end the trip wasn't all that bad... i'm just in no hurry to go to the Empire of Disney again any time soon