Monday, August 9, 2010

The Wilderness Years - Idiot Lessons Episode IV


Let's just say that i never meant for these little posts to be such a downer just more of a means of making sense, of documenting these little pictures that when stitched together make up the film of one's life and so now we come to this... the post that will most likely make you stop reading this site or guffaw out loud at what an imbecile the author is, you my dear reader will be the judge of that, for in the words of Robert Pollard... I am a scientist...

See i was sitting at the bar on a slow friday and discussing some of the finer moments of my sordid past. I was convinced i was going to die when i was 27 and in fact my biggest detriment and worst enemy seemed to be the guy i had to stare at each morning as i brushed my teeth in the mirror. Why would i die at 27 you ask? Why let's just think for a moment, Jimi Hendrix-Jim Morrison-Janis Joplin-Kurt Cobain. What did i have in common with these people other than being 27? Absolutely nothing but that is not the point, see at 27 i was so enamored of my greatness that i believed i wouldn't make it to 28 thus depriving the world of my so-called fucking genius and i once remember a wise woman telling me that the smart ones always seemed to be the most tortured but i can now state unequivocally that though i can't speak for the smart ones i can surely vouch for the dumb ones, so let's all of us walk to the CD player or record player and pop on Sublime's 40 oz. To Freedom album and set the mood because this was the record i seemed to be listening a lot to back in those days and particularly when indulging in this activity...

So now a quick quiz. What can you make with a baking soda, an ice cube, a pack of matches, a spoon and some blow? If you said crack just send an email and someday if i make Asshat Lounge t-shirts i'll send you one (don't hold your breathe of course) Now in the white man's world we called it freebasing, you know the old process of rocking up cocaine and smoking it, shit crack was for those ghetto folk who walked around like zombies and are all skinny and shit, freebasing yes that it's, it's for us college educated folks with to much time on our hands and back in the late 90's yours truly used to sit in his room listening to Sublime and rocking up his schitzel all on his jack jones in order to, well, get ridiculously fucking high...

and it was at the bar that i remembered how one night as i sat there smoking coke i thought to myself, "man, the only thing better than this would be to have an orgasm right as i was exhaling that sweet chemical taste of rock". Yes i was a bright one and seeing as how i'd taken a science course or two in my day and there was no willing female within six feet i decided to strip from the waste down and in a scene somewhat reminiscent of Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant attempt to jack off and smoke rock at the same time. Of course my empirical abilities were a bit skewed at the time as i had already indulged in smoking hence the chance of any blood actually making it towards my nether regions was slim and none, see it was to busy racing through my body in Tony Stewart like fashion as my heart was doing that Spanish techno thing and bouncing along at more bpm's than i'd wish to discuss but dammit i was gonna try and for the next 45 minutes or so i looked at some porn and poked and prodded and damn if my shit did nothing but hang limp as i sweated and pleaded and talked dirty all in hopes of attaining that ever elusive hard-on in an attempt to have an endorphin overload or something like that and after awhile i gave up, put my pants on and went back to smoking.

Now while i was sitting at the bar and discussing this all very matter of factly it occurred to me that at the time i thought this was normal fucking behavior and yes it kind of dawned on me that this was far from normal fucking behavior and though i gave up this little hobby a short time later when while smoking with my scientific mentor, The Dead Hippie, on one bright sunny day i almost bought the fucking farm and realized that this guy would most likely drag me out of his apartment and leave me on the street and if i'm lucky use the pay phone on the corner to call 911, i gazed at the faces of my fellow patrons who were listening and realized that i was most likely the only person at the bar who had ever attempted this sort of experiment and definitely the only one stupid enough to admit it. Oh the fucking good old days and as we can see i'm still here and i didn't join Jimi or Jim or Janis or Kurt and maybe just maybe have managed to learn something along the way... lucky for you.

18 comments:

daisyfae said...

i've heard that rock takes away sexual functionality. and that you don't care that it's gone.

if that happens when i hit menopause? i'll need that recipe for freebase. what the fuck at that point...

Gulfboot Johnson said...

That's the most I've laughed since I saw Kirk and Spock dressed as Nazis.

twin said...

bravo!

B R A V O ! ! !

Gulfboot Johnson said...

I'm going to write a a schmaltzy TV series called 'The Wilderness Years' covering your experiences from the High School on through all your growing pains. I'm going to tape you reading these posts out and use it as intermittent narration and use 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' as the theme tune. The soundtrack CDs will be great.

FUZZARELLY said...

I'm glad you're still with us.

Kono said...

Daisy- it's remarkably easy, just don't screw it up cuz then you waste all the blow.

Twin- Muchos Gracias

Fuzzarelly - i'kinda happy bout that too.

Gulfboot- Can i get Fool's Gold by the Roses as the outro music? will it be like the Wonder Years? will i be played by a grown up Fred Savage or maybe a Jonas Brother? will i get my hands on Winnie Cooper? and i've always wanted to narrate, i usually narrate my walks to the coffeeshop to myself, no wonder people always cross the street to get away from me.

Kono said...

I was also posed an interesting question about the lack of comments on this post. Of course i don't think that many people read this site and those that do usually say something but the comment wondered if this post was a bit too raw? interesting i thought. anyone care to comment? hardy har har.

twin said...

raw?

wtf?

isn't that the point?

LIFE...is raw.

christ...(shaking head)

Kono said...

Twin- Don't fret i'm not about to change the subject matter or the way it's told i just thought it was an interesting question.

JMH said...

Although I can count on one finger the amount of times I've read a piece about a failed attempt to combine freebasing and masturbating, I don't find that it rubs me so raw that's it's off-putting.

In early high school sometime, I got the idea that if I had an orgasm and took a big shit at the exact same time, it would bring me to some perfect nexus of pleasure. I tried many times, but never succeeded. The sexual fantasies would always devolve into excrement-covered romps, and unfortunately I've never had a fetish for that.

Kono said...

JMH- rubs you so raw, that was excellent, i myself might have done a bit of damage that night but really couldn't feel it and from what i've learned from Dan Savage it's damn near impossible to wank and shit at the same time, mainly because on orgasm the sphincter contracts or something like that, wait maybe that was if you were having anal sex at the time, it's early you know and i tend to get confused when sober.

nursemyra said...

Bad Lieutenant? I LOVE that film!

nursemyra said...

Bad Lieutenant? I LOVE that film!

sybil law said...

This post rubbed me in all the right ways.

Tim McLaughlin said...

Well done sir. Glad to have met you last night. I plan on being a regular visitor.

Kono said...

Nurse - one of the greatest movies of all time in my book.

Sybil- i'm always happy when people are rubbed the right way.

Tim- good night out, a bit of the old headache the next day but i chalked that up to to many cigarettes and being a bit rusty on my PBR intake. Welcome to the lounge.

Blues said...

I have never smoked cocaine while jacking off so this discussion has been really enlightening. My sister once had an orgasm though while we were all shrooming. It was pretty wild, you know, she was just sitting there and we were all talking and what not...ah, memories.

I really loved this post. Too raw? Are you fucking kidding me? I need raw. I look for it and rarely find enough of it. I look for it in me and don't know how to bring it out.

Kono said...

Blues- once again Muchos Gracias, and i've always contended that (and this is for males only cuz i guess i can only speak for men) that if you hold your first piss on mushrooms for as long as you can and i mean till you almost piss yourself that it becomes like an extended male orgasm, i've almost passed out from it, it was that good.