Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Revisionist History Pt. 1

1988-- The end of Reagan and the beginning of George the first, not that i gave a fuck about politics at that point cuz i was a hotshit basketball playa. Feel me yo, smooth jumper, tight handle, the works. I had the hip white boy fade, ala Bernard Sumner, i had outgrown the punk rock phase of my life and was entering the "Alternative Nation/120 minutes" phase. New Order, the Smiths, Echo and the Bunnymen, Gene loves Jezebel, Flesh for Lulu, Molly Ringwald, Judd Nelson, you know the deal. I accepted a skal-lo-ship to play basketball for a small school in the northeast corner of Wyoming. I thought this was a smart career move. Most of my life i've been a fuckhead.

Wyoming may be a gorgeous state but when 18 gorgeous scenery just don't cut it. In a nutshell there was fuck-all to do except get wasted and chase women which doesn't seem like a bad thing until you realize this ain't NYC John Boy it's the stix. Rodeo team, Nascar lovin', tobacco chewin', doggie roppin', towns with a total population of 9. When i'd realized that they post signs in this state because a family of inbreds lives at some crossroads the fresh air begins to sting the lungs and the soul begins to pine for the city. My attitude was shit to say the least but i did have a gameplan:

Attempt to screw everything that ain't nailed down cuz these country girls ain't never dealt with a city slicker like me. Needless to say the guys on the rodeo team didn't like me much either.

Sherie was a sweet, innocent, tiny blonde girl from Montana. Fresh off the plane i began my soon to be infamous line of bullshit and it wasn't long before i had myself a girlfriend. The country girl sure did know some tricks the city slicker didn't and soon my eyeballs would be rolling into the back of my head in pure delight. Those grandmothers of Montana sure must of passed down more secrets than how to make a brilliant apple pie. Unfortunately i felt the need to tell everyone and anyone who would listen the secrets of Montana's travelling panties. This didn't go over to well with Sherie, who being on a new campus and trying to fit in, make friends, what have you, didn't need to be labeled as the campus Jezebel. Needless to say it didn't last long. Three weeks to be exact.

Then came Audrey. Audrey was a six foot tall blonde volleyball player who was way into Wicca. I used the excuse of a co-ed two person volleyball tournament to get close to her. She was from a small town some 40 odd miles away called Buffalo. After finishing second in the tournament we ended up downing Jack Daniels in someones trailer. We then smoked a joint and listened to some horrible classic rock as Audrey slurringly proclaimed, "I heard about you mister, you ain't gonna screw me tonight." Needless to say she ended up being wrong about that one. She liked to burn incense, light candles, play with the Ouija board and i don't think we ever had sex without listening to Siouxsie and the Banshees. As things started to go south between us she took me home to Buffalo, Wy. to show me off to all her high school buddies. It was like a warped cross between Little House on the Prairie and Charmed at her all encompassing elementary/middle/high school. I'm sure she caught me leering a few times at some of her fellow Wicca member high school friends. The evening ended back at her mom's house getting drunk and Audrey announcing that we would not be having sex tonight because she couldn't decide if i was an asshole or a huge asshole. I promptly took her car keys and split as she sat staring at me, me mumbling something about wanting to sleep in my own bed and something something. Being ridiculously drunk and driving through the Wyoming night was something akin to a religious experience. I couldn't tell where the road ended and sky began and the stars were huge and mesmerizing. I don't think i went over 25mph the whole time i was on the highway. Had it not been so sparsely populated i'm sure i would've been in jail but i believe there are roughly a dozen cops covering the whole state. The next day, horribly hungover, i drove back and picked her up. I threw up in her driveway shortly after meeting her mom and she dumped me on the ride back as i shook like a junkie in the passenger seat. No problem i told her, i only wanted to sleep off the hangover. Another 3 weeks, another girl gone.

Then came Marijka. Marijka was a sophomore and among the b-ball players that earned points for pulling an older woman. She was the town's resident bohemian art star. Her father was a mortician and on Sunday nights we'd sit around her house getting stoned and watching 120 minutes. Of course she told me some jive about her dad hiding out because he was involved with some shady characters in the past. Her old man was mostly deaf and looked as if he didn't trust me as far as he could throw me. Marijka was a cool girl. It was one of those relationships you didn't want to fuck up but being 18 and dumb as fuck couldn't help not. We would cruise around in her little Toyota, driving to Billings, Mt. getting stoned, listening to the Smiths and New Order, screwing every chance we got. It was perfect except i couldn't keep my dick in my pants. My horrendous roommate kept bringing his girlfriend around and his girlfriend kept bringing her friend. Her friend had purple bighair and was into heavy metal. In short she was a pig who probably couldn't of got cast as an extra in a Warrant video and whose career prospects screamed fluffer for third rate porn movies. Needless to say i screwed her. When it was over she announced "That was the worst sex i've ever had in my life." I promptly replied that she'd want it over quick to if she had to look at herself and that could she please not let the door hit her in the ass on the way out because though i could get a penicillin shot, my poor door could not. Small towns being small towns it didn't take long for Marijka to hear the news and i was single again. She hated me for awhile and then things calmed down and i thought at one point during the next semester things might actually work out. Unfortunately she dragged her friend Leroy with her every time she came near me as a chaperon. Leroy looked like Danny Noonan from Caddyshack except skinnier and with a penchant for trucker hats twenty years before Brooklyn made them cool. It was one spring night before i left that Marijka and i had a heart to heart and she actually gave me a kiss and said, "Someday you're gonna grow up and be a hellavu guy. I'd really like to know you then." I just looked at the ground pissed cuz i knew i still wasn't gonna get laid and the second semester had been a long dry spell... which leads us to...

Airplane glue. After completely ruining my reputation i couldn't go anywhere without hearing the words. "Oh you're the guy from the basketball team i heard about." And it wasn't my feathery shooting touch the ladies were talking about either. In a big city i would've had a chance but out here it would be nothing but porn and palm the rest of the way.

So i started making models. Yeah models. I'd shut up all the windows and block the door and let the room fill with the wonderful smell of airplane glue. Now and then i'd enhance the model making with a joint and some booze and after an hour or so i'd wander out to the lounge and watch re-runs of Miami Vice on the USA network until i passed out. Who says junior college basketball isn't glamorous? Not me.

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