These days the mind is going too many directions, there seem to be so many ideas bouncing around in my head that it almost hamstrings my ability to get any of it down... i realized it might be wise to crank the shit out, divide and conquer so to speak, instead of somehow mashing them all together just spit up one thing at a time and work my way through it... and work through it i must, don't really have any other choice than to do it... and since this post is more of a personal nature than a worldview one i feel almost guilty, mainly cuz i have one in my fucked up noggin about the world in general but i figured i'd start with this one as it, i don't know, seems pretty easy and straightforward to write...
The trials and tribulations of the disaster known as my domestic situation have been well documented here... as i've often stated there aren't really peaks and valleys anymore, at this point a peak would be what i call coming up for air before being sucked back down into the mire yet here i am... having gone back through various posts here at the lounge, often when i'm stoned and listening to tunes after my "serious" reading has finished (sidenote- with the current shit show in Dumbfuckistan i've sorta created my own curriculum of books and subjects to study to help me cope with this fucking nonsense and not go completely fucking batshit, some philosophy, political theory, cultural theory, fiction, to keep me sane in unsane times... but i digress)... and let it be noted that sometimes even i get sick of all the pissing and moaning i do here about the current domestic situation i find myself in yet i guess it's cheaper than therapy right? and since most of what i've gleaned of "modern therapy" is utter fucking bullshit i prefer to write shit down, take boomers and think my way through it... aka piss and moan on the lounge...
The weekend past i went to a excellent fucking show, Damian and Stephen Marley, Bob's sons, and while i won't go into the show per se what i will do is go into what struck me at the show as i was looking around at people... i will preface this bit here with the fact i ate a decent size dose of mushrooms while smoking a good bit of grass... a good bit for me which might be a fuck ton to some but let me not wander off the subject... and so since my friend and i had found a excellent spot right near a wall we could sit down when we felt like it (and my friend was tripping hard enough that at one point he spent a good 45 minutes sitting against the wall and as he put it, "feeling" the music, gotta love the shrooms) that it afforded me the opportunity to sorta sit back and take things in... and if one delves into the chemical and neurological side of what mushrooms do one would find how they eliminate the ego while working, how they help create new connections between parts of the brain that don't speak to each other when not tripping and so hence why i feel like i do my best thinking when ingesting my fungal friends...
Observing the world around me on a beautiful night in the city what i noticed most was the connections between people, couples in particular, how they laughed and danced (well mainly the women danced), how they actually made physical contact with each other, how they seemed to be truly enjoying each others company and most importantly how they were doing things together that they both seemed to enjoy... and of course the realization that this brought me, not that i didn't know or understand it, was just how shit the situation is back home... watching these couples (one in particular because i was so smitten by the woman, as i get older i'm finding i truly love when women don't dye their hair, granted maybe some can pull it off better than others but i admire the middle finger to the eternal youth culture and this woman had beautiful gray hair, a nose ring, she looked lovely) i watched as couples held hands, hugged, kissed, smiled, socialized and i realized that what sucked is none of this happens in my situation, in fact i don't really call it relationship anymore as it's really more of a business deal... there was no jealousy or envy as i watched just a melancholy sadness, i understood that once bright and vibrant orchid was now withered and dead, had been for ages and that the neglect from both parties meant it would not be coming back to life...
I went back to enjoying the show amidst these mental notes but of course later, in the downstairs room i now call home, laying in bed, Archie camped by my head and Paco sleeping at my feet i sat and listened to the nocturnal sounds from my open window and pondered... when it comes to this domestic trainwreck i wondered what the BW really thought? the fact is any "real" communication between the two of us has been absent for years now, obviously unhealthy but neither one wants to broach the subject yet once the boyos are out of here i wonder what happens then? it then struck me that either the BW is much adept at lying to herself or that she actually is happy in the current situation... and maybe she is, yes she has her own business and brings in the cash and after that she really doesn't have to do much other than issue edicts and orders and point out what's not done, i understand i'm the houseboy and i'm also well aware that this isn't a partnership, it's master and servant under the guise of a union but make no mistake about it, as the last post stated there are always comments about her money and i'm thankful for my gig economy serf gig cuz it does allow me a bit of autonomy, shit that's a bit Orwellian- freedom through work? who'd of thought i'd utter that statement...
The thing is the BW often talks of how she likes to do things with me... huh? mainly the things i like to do are going to see live music, perusing a book or record store, sitting in a pub over a pint and watching the footie, going out now and then to a party or dinner possibly with other people... the BW, who claims to have social anxiety and though i won't discount it i'd say it's debatable, i mean she runs three restaurants and deals with employees and the public constantly, does not like to do any of the aforementioned activities, in fact the only thing she seems to enjoy is shopping, usually online, she does like fixing up the house and such but that is usually more like telling me what she wants done and then perusing the aisles of Lowe's or Sherwin Williams and pondering shit for weeks... it's strange how she claims to like doing things with me when in reality she likes me to drive her and tag along with the things she likes to do... this also extends to familial relations... it's been 95% her family when it comes to such things, in fact the only time she likes to go out to dinner with people it's usually her younger brother and sister in law... and while i like them both she'd be hard pressed to go out to dinner with anyone else, in fact i don't know how many times i've had to come up with an excuse when someone has asked us out to dinner (if she wasn't there) and in the last couple of years i just started saying she probably wouldn't go cuz of anxiety issues... in short i was sick of making excuses...
Years ago there was a massive blowup over an Xmas party held every Xmas eve by a very close friend of mine, she was complaining about having to go and in a moment of brutal honesty i basically stated that's how i felt every time i had to go to her family's place over the holidays, pointed out how we never saw mine (though there were some reasons for that) and how i never said a fucking word about it... it got fucking nasty and it ended up with the boyos and myself going and her staying home... the boyos looked forward to this party but once again she didn't want to go and trotted out the usual excuses... it was the last time it ever came up and after that there was no question about the boyos and i attending and some years she would go and some she wouldn't... didn't matter to me at that point in fact i'll admit i enjoyed it more when she stayed home.. which once again drives home the fact we don't really have anything in common at this point... or at least i don't which means i often have to sit back and rationalize what the fuck i'm doing here...
All these things drifted through my head that night while laying in my room... where she was once somewhat put off by my moving to another room it's been interesting to see the evolution... at this point if i said i was moving back upstairs i wonder what the reaction would be? these days she often closes the door to her bedroom, not completely as the cats like to roam from room to room but it's noticeable, some of my things have been removed, my former side of the bed made into a spot for her cat, in fact there have been times when i go up to get something (most of my clothes are still there) and she asks what i'm doing there, granted i think about how to move my stuff downstairs and it's mainly just working out the logistics and a piece or two of furniture but at this point that might not be a bad idea... years ago, at the start of this decaying shell of a union, she stated she didn't ever want to get divorced and that the rule was "don't bring it home, don't fall in love..." now let me state there were reasons for that rule that will someday get covered but i often wonder what the response would be if i brought that statement up...
It's in the day to day running of the place that the frustration often bubbles below the surface... where the lack of partnership shines the brightest... i understand the BW makes the bread but these days (actually the past five or six years) her work week is usually under 30 hours a week, yes she might take some calls at home and solve a few problems but mainly it's her talking with her bestie and second in command about shit other than work... when it comes to shit around the house it's almost comical, example? she'll park herself at the table and ask what's for dinner, then sit at said table while i run back and forth making dinner all the while perusing her phone while pulling on her e-cig, sometimes getting in the way while i hustle back and forth particularly if i'm using the grill outside, on the odd times she cooks for herself the pots, pans, dishes are left for me... (like the sink full i walked into after the show which i did the next morning), she doesn't like to drive the boyos anywhere (or didn't as one now drives and one is getting closer) or pick them up... little things that add up...
The truth can be a tough pill to choke down but the truth here is that there is nothing left but two people acting like there is still something here or maybe just one of them and the key word being acting... we are nothing more than roommates and to be fair i don't believe either of us deserve that... i also understand my life would drastically change while hers would not be much different... financially she would have nothing to worry about and in my case i've never worried about it anyway but i would be in a much less advantageous position... i always figure something out... watching the people at that show really drove it home, how sad it is when what is supposed to be one of the most important relationships in one's life becomes nothing more than an acquaintance... when the only common ground are children and pets there isn't much holding things together other than routine and finances... and when i say finances that would mainly apply to myself... riding the train home i happened across the beautiful woman with the gray hair and nose ring, her and her husband (who i had helped by taking their pic between bands) were on the same train, she was spent, leaning her head on his shoulder, they smiled at me as i ambled off the train at my stop, i laughed and said she was having it tonight eh?, the guy grinned and nodded while she could barely keep her eyes open... lucky bastard... and yes it only drove the point home more as i strolled towards the parking lot amidst the sounds of the leaving train, traffic and crickets...
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