Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Walking in the City with my Sideburns, early afternoon

There's a new bookstore that just opened up in my lovely dahntahn, and since i'm a fucking book nerd and it's independent i went down to have a gander and of course i liked it, old hardwood floors, used books, fisrt editions (a first edition copy of Mason & Dixon by a certain Mr. Pynchon that i have my eye on), signed first editions, pretty fucking cool... it's also next to another favorite place of mine Planned Parenthood, because though most of don't think about it i do believe we might want to plan just a bit for you know parenthood even when you're blind drunk on a saturday and just want to fuck but don't let me get off track here cuz i gots a story to tell...

So the usual pack of bat shit crazy anti-abortion, anti-women nutjobs is hanging out in front of the place singing hymns to the the great friendly ghost and praying for the salvation or the rapture or the fucking powerball numbers for all i know and i'm perusing the bookshelves and looking at titles like Queer, Sexus, Demons, The Art of Goya, Mason & Dixon, Slouching Towards Nirvana, Sometimes a Great Notion (another first edition) enjoying myself immensely as i fuck off from work when in walks Resident Nutjob local 316... now let me just state in a wee bit of politics that i'm all for Women's Rights, like full on, it's your fucking body and you should have control over it which means if you want to get an abortion you should have that fucking right and not have some fucking douche bag in a sweater vest telling you to get back in the kitchen and do the friendly ghosts will, you should have access to affordable birth control without being hassled by a bunch of fucking numbnuts chanting to a giant bunny who delivers chocolate eggs and shit, but hey man this is H'america and we all got rights to free speech and shit but i find it funny that none of these men are saying that insurance should stop covering vasectomies and viagra? but i digress...

So Resident Nutjob asks the owner if he can come in and look around and the poor owner says yes and then the Res Nut starts asking what the owner likes to read and he gives a few suggestions and then Res Nut asks if the owner watches the History Channel and i'm glancing at the poor owner thinking i should have warned you not to let the guy in, mind you Res Nut is a white man carrying around a little, black baby doll, did i fail to mention that? and of course Res Nut starts spouting shit at the poor guy who just wants to run his shop and make a living and then the owner politely says, i've had enough get out, to which Res Nut responds, but you say you're an intellectual, but your mind is closed, you'll hear no ideas but your own... and then of course the 6'4 inch guy with the thousand yard stare decides to join the conversation, I think he told you to get out, to which Res Nut says but you say your an intellectual but you have a closed mind, to which I (the tall guy with the nasty stare if you didn't recognize me) says, i didn't tell you a thing about me but this is his business, a semi-public business which means he can control what ideas are disseminated in his place of business, Res Nut then babbles more about being closed minded and that the city gave the owner this building to which (a brief pause for a public service message)

Next fucking free money i don't drink up or smoke up or pill up i'm taking down to Planned Parenthood and donating, which is something i've often though of but something that i will now do after dealing with this asshole and his buddies outside, who judging by their reaction to me as i make my way through them believe i am in league with the devil or something .... and i'm also supporting my local indy bookstore cuz i'm nothing if not a righteous motherfucker...

I reply, the city doesn't give anybody anything and if i'm correct he asked you to leave which means you can leave on your own or he can call the police and have you removed or better yet someone might take it upon themselves to forcibly remove you, and with this comment i smiled at him in a way that must have convinced him to move towards the door, of course he gets close to the door and stops and looks at me and says, those are very nice sideburns, you don't see 'em like that anymore, now if you'll allow me to digress again i usually have large and ridiculous sideburns, in fact last night while i downed Guinness i had some young twenty-something ask if she could stroke my gray beard and touch my sideburns, i let her cuz she let me bum a cigarette off her and i'm chivalrous like that, needless to say they are a bit out of hand right now, long and salt and pepperish and a bit muttonish but maybe not exactly and they're practically onto my neck, Res Nut then says, that look really works for you, to which i reply thanks i guess and then spout, you know i'm just trying to be the shepherd Ringo, and at this he looks at me and quickly makes for the door...

I then converse with the owner for a bit and we book nerd it up and discuss various authors and what not and then i made my way back through the throng of singers hoping to save my soul and all those others like me who wallow in the vice and filth of this world and glared to see if any of them would look me in the eye... but none of them would.

11 comments:

Diary of Why said...

I love everything about this post.

sybil law said...

Hahah - I love that the guy made for the door, but I'm not surprised.
The bookstore sounds heavenly.

daisyfae said...

care to offer your services for 'clinic defense'? those are the folks who escort women across those lines of bible-tards when they are about to have an abortion.

i couldn't do it. i would have beaten the fucking daylights out of anyone who stood between a woman - already having a pretty dark day - and a legal, medical appointment. my local clinic doesn't allow us to carry baseball bats. damn it.

Diary of Why said...

To clarify: I loved everything about this post, but especially the sideburns. (I probably would have asked to touch them, too.)

Jayne said...

Bwahaha- trying real hard to be the shepherd Ringo. Man I love that movie.

Kono, how can we not recognize you? Good man you are. And I love hearing that mom and pops are opening bookstores! Let's hope the demise of Borders encourages more indie book shops. I can get lost in those for a long, long time. ;)

kid said...

take that donation money and give to the bookshop.

there will always be people fucking to their own detriment, with their attendant bemoaners and bedamners on either side of the dollar-fence. if you want to give money to a lost cause, give it to literacy.

nursemyra said...

I like what kid said

The Unbearable Banishment said...

When I started reading, it was the usual, "Oh, look. A new post from kono. He's a pretty interesting writer. I wonder what's on his mind?" Afterwards, I was filled with the kind of raw hate that rarely visits my mind. It is, indeed, an emotional issue.

kid said...

thanks, nurse.

aggressive pro-lifers do have a knack for being in places they have no business being in, don't they?

in a sane part of the world they'd all be cited for loitering, and their gruesome posters would be charged w/ obscenity by the same standards these same moralizing, double-standard bearing pussies tend to apply to things THEY find unsavory.

an extra-terrestrial once asked me who those creatures were, on the street hoisting posters of dead and mutilated fetuses. they're pro-life protesters, i replied. you guys sure are backward, he said. yep, i replied.

Kono said...

DofW- it was an interesting afternoon for me and my sideburns.

Sybil- the bookstore is great, they have another location in my old neighborhood complete with roaming cats.

Daisy- i'd have the same problem, it'd be punch out assholes first ask questions later and i have a feeling the PP might frown upon that, though it would be done with the best intentions.

Jayne- we have a few really good ones here in the Burgh, but this one is really good.

Nurse- you like what Kid said, you should see him, you'd want to take him home with you.

UB- you have two daughters, i'd suspect it'd be an emotional issue for you, especially when a certain set of men want to dictate how your daughters can live their lives.

Kid- You know Kid, you make a good point but i will respectfully disagree, see when the right wing religious fuckos get their way they'll set us back centuries, so even if it's a lost cause i think places like PP need support cuz of what they do, they know people are gonna fuck so lets help them do it safe and at least try to educate them on not cranking out babies...

As for this country being literate, now that is truly a lost cause and though i will give my fair share of money to the bookstore it still ain't gonna help the fucking unwashed masses who would rather spend their time watching shit cinema, shittier telly or playing video games, we are a country of muppets, and it ain't gonna get better but we've sat next to each other on enough bar stools to know how we think... now let's go get a drink.

Kono said...

And for those who don't know, The Kid is one of the only people on the lounge who's ever had the honor of hanging in my native habitat (the bar) with me, but that's wrong it was my honor to hang at the pub with him and one day i will regale you all with how it came to pass that Kono and the Kid became pals...