Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Vee Dee




You know kids it's that special day when people are supposed to be in love and shit but really it's just another excuse to try and get fucked and it just so happens on this day that those swell kids in Los Campesinos released another video, a video shot in one of my favorite type of places cuz nothing quite says i love you like a strip club,  you see i've had a long and illustrious history with strip clubs, i mean i can't tell you how many times i've fallen in love in one of these places, the number is just to high to keep track of, i went to my first one when i was just 17, an all nude place in San Diego called Les Girls, it had a big pink elephant out front if i remember correctly which i probably don't seeing as how i spent most of my time riding shot gun in a Lincoln Town Car and guzzling Corona's from the cooler in the back seat, it was here that i met a fine young lady of 23, strawberry blond and six feet tall, i was wandering around trying to decide which girl was going to give me my very first private lap dance when she pinned me against the wall with her ample and lovely ass and starting grinding away, needless to say i was sold and after a few more visits she asked me how old i was and i said 20 and she said you wanna go out sometime?  yes my 17yr old head was spinning, little did she know i was jail bait but being 6'4 with a 5 o'clock shadow can sure come in handy sometimes, of course i was only out in Cali for a few weeks and never got to go out on that date, she did give me her number and real name and i called her once but soon i was on a plane back to Cleveland where i would soon be frequenting lovely Brookpark Road, where the places were all nude and didn't serve booze (they do now), long gone places like Pinky's and Juicy Lucy's and Model T's, once i became of age it was the Crazy Horse and the Circus on my brief visits back, lovely places every one...

Of course i've been to a few in other countries but the burgh is where i have lived and the burgh is where i have spent many an hour wasting away the day and the night in the neon and glitter and spray perfume, see in the first 16 years i lived in the burgh i lived within a mile or so of at least one if not two strip clubs, the stories i have of these places could fill a fucking book so i won't go into them now but let's just say that i've done everything and anything one can do in a strip club legal or otherwise and i'll leave it at that, dig? and no there was no exchanging of money unless of course you count the drugs i scored for the ladies on occasion, in one of the most ridiculous transactions ever i once scored some blow for a dancer, i put the wrap in a dollar and dropped it on the stage when she was dancing and then the braniac instead of waiting to finish to give me the loot, goes into her garter and starts handing me money, i was like what the fuck are you doing and she just smiled and said i don't know, ah the good old days, of course the only reason i passed it to her while she was onstage was so she could run to the back and blow lines as soon as she got off and it was easier to do it then than when she came off and got rushed for lap dances, this was in my favorite place, a place described a bit more in the Wilderness Years with Techno Tim and the like, and for years i lived less than a block from it, it was fucking better than having cable and probably cheaper too...

Of course these days i don't make the rounds much anymore, the above mentioned favorite is now gone and has been converted into a gay bar complete with male dancers,  i still pop into some of the old haunts now and then and i've found a place out here in the burbs that's not to far away, a place that does Bareoke, i haven't been there much and the last time i was there it was when Gulfboot came to visit and we both got ripping drunk and sang, me doing Total Eclipse of the Heart, all six minutes of it, of which Gulfboot recorded on his phone, i watched the playback and i was horribly out of tune with my falsetto and when i tried to do pole tricks i was herded away from center stage by two young ladies, one of which i believe was on my back and grinding against me, it was a bit fuzzy you know, a good time nonetheless, in short i've got a fucking PHD in strip clubs, can walk in and clock the place and tell you the story of every face in the joint, it's doesn't change from year to year or place to place but the girls and the bartenders have always been kind to me so on this day of love and consumerism i find it fitting that i'm rambling on about naked women and dollar bills, happy Vee Dee...

9 comments:

Diary of Why said...

Aw, how romantic.

daisyfae said...

i don't have a PhD, but i've studied such clubs on my own. mostly, i love them. sometimes make me sad. had i been born with different genetics, i have absolutely no doubt i'd have been a performer at some point in my life. i like to imagine it would have been well before i turned 30...

sybil law said...

I'm sure those dancers loved you. I mean, besides the obvious - that you're tall, dark, handsome and smart - not to mention had drugs- what's not to like? (Totally guessing on the handsome part, but since I love your personality, I'd find you attractive no matter what, at this point.) What I'm trying to say (more buzzed than I thought) is that you aren't some fat, ugly, hairy knuckled slob, dipshit asshole.
Am I sappy or what?! Haha
Seriously. Strip clubs overall gross me out for a variety of reasons, but I understand the appeal. Maybe. I just could never, ever do it. Well, not unless I was severely fucked up.

I'll shut up, now.
Happy VD, Kono!! xoxo

Kono said...

DofW- you should know by now i'm a hopeless romantic.

Daisy- they can be sad places, for both the patrons and the dancers, interesting joints to study the human race though and i know of one place where there's not a dancer under 40.

Sybil- good guess (you make me blush), haha, of course Gulfboot once said that if it wasn't for charisma i'd never get laid but i must be doing something right cuz women have always seemed to like me ;) and i think the key for me at those places was i was polite and well mannered, tipped well, always smiled, i found out later that my rep at the one place was sterling, the girls were always thrilled when i came in, it was the early days and no one really knew me, apparently the mystery helped.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

One of my first jobs ever was dishwasher at the Port O’ Call on Brookpark Road. Remember that joint? Classy.

I don’t like strip clubs. I’ve never been able to buy into the fantasy that those girls want me. They weren’t interested in me! They wanted my cash! And as soon as my wallet was empty, I was as transparent as a wisp of steam. It’s like dating in New York City, although in NYC I occasionally got to sleep with someone. That never happened at a strip club.

The last time I visited a strip club was in Kitchener, Ontario. The Breslau. I went to pee and there was a cum shot hanging off the top of the urinal. That was the end of my strip club career.

Dolce said...

17 is jail bait in the US? Uh oh.

Kono said...

UB- As a guy who has spent years in these places i can tell you a good stripper isn't selling anything, i've had more than a few try and lay the hustle on me but as i told one girl "you can't hustle the hustler sweetheart", she followed me around like a puppy after that.

Dolce- lucky for you i'm legal, just barely of course.

Jayne said...

Happy belated Vee Dee. Now it's never too late for Vee Dee, is it?

Ha! Was watching Annie Hall, yet again, the other night--and this post reminded me of the scene where a friend of Annie's is laying coke out on the table from a tin, and Alvy is offered a line but declines, then sneezes and the coke just sprays all over the place. Classic.

I went to a male strip club. Once. That was more than enough.

Love the new Los Campesinos vid.

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