12th of April

I stood in the hallway and listened, listened to the girl tell her mother that it was okay, that everyone was going to be alright, that she could go, it was somewhere close to 11pm on April 11th, she said that she loved her, that she was the best mom a girl could ever ask for, that she taught her so much and loved her so much but that now it was okay and i wiped my eyes and walked away before she came out of the room, i looked at her and she at me and she took a deep breath and said she was going to try and sleep and to get her if anything changed, it was really just a matter of waiting now and as we looked down the hall towards her room we listened to the machine and her wheezing breaths, i walked her to the bedroom and looked down at my son sleeping in his porta-crib, all sprawled out and peaceful as his mother slipped into bed and pulled the covers up to her chin wondering if her mother would make it one more dawn...

 I of course had already helped myself to a couple of percocets and was cracking a beer, i was sitting in a recliner, remote in hand watching hockey highlights, the house was quiet, all the kids and grandkids in bed, just me and the girl's father who was doing laundry and keeping busy as the woman he loved slipped slowly into the ether, now let me add that this man was not a very good father to his children, yes he provided money and a home but as far as love and care and and the like he was severely lacking, in fact he was pretty much an asshole until his wife got diagnosed with a brain tumor and had to face the reality that the one person he loved above all else would soon be gone, it was during this illness that someone had made the remark that maybe the miracle we were all hoping for is the fact that the guy finally realized he had some pretty damn good kids and began to build relationships with them...

 and the clocked ticked and the pills kicked and i got another beer and was settling into my chair when i stopped cold, cold because somehow my unconscious became conscious. the wheezing had stopped. the machine was still plugging away but the familiar rhythmic wheeze had stopped, it was as if the waves of the ocean had stopped, i had become so used to the sound that it took me a second to realize that it was no more, i sat frozen in my chair for a minute and then i heard the basement door open and the girl's dad looked at me and i looked at him and he said his wife's name and went running into the room, it was two minutes after midnight...

 Death up close is not pretty no matter how it comes. He stood there calling to her and i gently put my arms around and him and told him she's gone, it's okay, she's gone, i then sat him in a chair and ran to get the girl who sprung out of bed and ran to her mother's room, then i got her younger sister from her room and i left them, walked into the kitchen and finished my beer, i walked into the guest room and gazed at my son, i walked back out and opened the door for her brother and his family, i don't know how much time went by, it seemed as if there was all this activity and yet nothing to do, as things calmed down her dad said he needed to lie down, three years of waiting and now it was up and maybe finally he'd get some sleep, i asked him if he needed anything and he said some aspirin and i went and got him some along with a bottle of water, i walked him to the spare room and pulled back the blankets, i handed him the pills and gave him the water, told him he needed to rest cuz the next few days would be stressful and hectic and tough, i pulled the covers up over him and leaned down and gave the man a hug, shut off the light and headed towards the door, he said my name softly and i stopped, thank you he said...

Back in their mother's room the girl and her sister asked if i could shut her eyes, it works just like it does in the movies, they then began to wash her face and clean her up a bit, i sat on the floor and watched and said that might be one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen and for a brief moment they both looked at me and then each other and smiled, it was then that i told the girl i was going to sleep, seeing as how i was going to need to be ready to chase the boy around come morning and that they would probably be up most of the night dealing with things and she came over and gave me a hug... in the bedroom i laid in bed and stared at the ceiling, it took me a minute to calm down and then i smiled as i caught the sound of my son's gentle breathing, the waves had started up again and the sound of them easily breaking on the shore was just what i needed to hear...

I went to kindergarten orientation today, took the I-mac and watched as the kid grew up in front of my eyes, as if i sneezed and he went from being this baby to this little man who is way to smart for his own good, much smarter than his daddy though he did seem to inherit his father's stubbornness, but watching him today checking out his new school i couldn't stop smiling, three years to the day that his grandmother died, and though i'm not one to believe in what the sermons be selling i'm pretty sure his Gigi would be mighty proud of him too.