Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I Don't Know




There are times when i sit down to write to help me understand things and sometimes i can write and write and write and tonight i could write until dawn and it wouldn't help, i'd still feel the same and still not have a clue. I got a call this morning from my father, he told me that my 13 year old cousin died last night, taken off life support by her mother in what i can only imagine to be the hardest fucking decision a parent would ever have to make, see she had gone in to have her wisdom teeth taken out the week of Christmas and something went terribly and horribly wrong, be it negligence or incompetence or bad luck, the details don't matter really, the fact is that today my cousin, the girl's mother, is making plans to bury her daughter who just two weeks ago was a happy and healthy kid, somehow she stopped breathing be it an allergic reaction or an overdose by an old dentist, a dentist who as we speak has another patient in a coma from the same mixture of anaesthesia, this one a grown man in his late 60's, she was deprived of oxygen for nearly 10 minutes, i'll spare us all the details, you can do the math, she was put into an induced coma but in the end they couldn't bring her out and her brain stopped functioning and i'll admit i don't have all the details but i can guess that there was no way back, and it struck me that right now there are x-mas presents sitting under a tree that will never get opened, there is a kid who will never have a boyfriend or go to a dance or graduate from college or see a rock concert, all there is now is an empty space in a lot of peoples lives and there is really no good fucking reason that i can find for this to be, none. The rest of us just have to get on with it, as my old man said "there's nothing we can do for her, we have to take care of the living, we have to make sure they are alright..." his niece, his little brother, his mother. My cousin and uncle and grandmother. My grandmother is 85, the matriarch of that side of the family, she raised 4 kids and 8 of her 9 grand kids, (i was the only one she didn't ever really watch, i was the one who reminded her of Dale, my grandfather), the last child she cared for was this girl, her great-grand daughter, born to a teenage mom who did her best and was doing even better to raise her daughter after daddy turned out to be not so swell. Not that this father didn't love his daughter but he was young and male and young males tend to be stupid and selfish, i know, i was alot like that at one time, but this was my grandmother's baby, the last one she raised before she couldn't do it anymore, you could see her old eyes light up when she saw her or talked about her, today i'm almost glad to be far enough away not to see those eyes...

See today i'm just trying to make sense out of the senseless, trying not to think about how i would handle this situation cuz as any parent knows it's a situation we hope to never have to handle, oh it flits through my dim little mind sometimes but i immediately chase it away, my cousin had one child and now that child is gone and honestly i don't know how one gets out of bed the next day after that happens, if you have two or three kids you get up for the ones left, that's a no brainer, but how does one get up? i'd honestly say what's the fucking point, the existentialist in me would scream that this whole living thing is absurd, there is no reward for trying to be a decent human being and therefore why bother, but then again i'm not a one to just chuck in the towel so maybe i'd get up and head to the bar and try to annihilate any sense of feeling i had left... or maybe i'd become a monk, i hope i never have to find out, i do know that when i see my cousin i'll tell her that nothing i say will make a difference and that it's gonna hurt, it's most likely gonna hurt for the rest of her life but that with any luck each day that hurt will get a little less painful until hopefully it's something of a dull ache, something manageable, but i'm a fucking liar, i'll probably just hug her and cry right along with her, save my sage fucking idiot wisdom for the losers at the bar, because really what can you say?

I do know that today i spent a lot of time looking at the boyos after i got this news, hugged them a little longer, was a little more patient, things i should be everyday, things i shouldn't have to be reminded of by someone else's tragedy, i've always seemed to be acutely aware of how fragile and quick life is but sometimes i'm just a fucking idiot, worried about getting to work on time or typing or watching a hockey game, i try to remind myself to enjoy every moment cuz in an instant it can all change, probably started with my old job and the fact that my freedom could have been snatched at any moment or maybe something even more valuable, and right now i'm just lost, my thoughts are jumbled and incoherent as i try to think my way through this, as i think about the people i love sitting in another city and most likely holding on to each other and mourning, in a way that makes me feel better, i just wish it wasn't happening... and of course there is the I-mac, he could tell his daddy was out of sorts tonight, so i put him to bed and took a walk and when i got back he was sitting at the top of the steps, his mother told him he'd be in trouble if he wasn't in bed when his daddy got home but he just kept sitting there and when i walked in with my coffee he smiled at me, i asked what he was doing and he said he couldn't sleep until he got one more hug, i wanted to fucking cry, the kid is much sweeter than his daddy ever was, so i took his hand and walked him back to his room, gave him his hug and covered him up, told him that i loved, he smiled and and curled up in his spot and said "you're the best dad ever, i love you", i don't know what i'd do without those boys and i only hope my cousin can figure out how to make it through this...

And since as my father would say i've had a problem with the universe since i came into it i've been dwelling on shit all day and of course i get to dwelling on the existence of the various deities, particularly ones of the western variety, my question to the ones running around and thumping certain books is that if there is this all knowing, benevolent, forgiving and loving God why is it that he feels the need to let the children suffer? to the let the kids die? i mean aren't they the innocent ones? i mean i'm pretty sure there is no shortage of despicable fucking adults running around the planet fucking shit up, many in his or her name, many committing acts that i think are strictly forbidden in the magic books that have been written, i don't know, it makes my head hurt thinking about it, i think Andy Partridge sums it up better than i can, i'm just writing and trying to make sense of things...

17 comments:

sybil law said...

I'm so sorry to hear it, Kono. It just fucking sucks.
xoxo

twin said...

Very sorry...

(there really is nothing one can say...sigh)

The Unbearable Banishment said...

All due sympathy to you and your family. A great, albeit sad, post. And I disagree; the reason why it happened matters a great deal and I'd get to the bottom of it, if it were my tragedy.

My daughter just told me that, in fact, *I* am the greatest dad ever. We can settle this up in the Octagon.

daisyfae said...

there's a reason i'm only afraid of one thing - outliving my children. because it's the worst thing i can imagine. there is no reason. no purpose. all we can do is comfort the family as best we can, and hold our own little (or not so little) ones closer and keep our fucking fingers crossed...

DiaryofWhy said...

It feels senseless because it is. It's awful, and I am so sorry. There really is nothing to say.

Gaz said...

Very sorry to read of your family's loss. Condolences

Rassles said...

I would say some bullshit about fate, but I do not believe in fate so fuck that. And I don't believe in heaven, so no consolation there...all I can say is fuck that dentist.

Kono said...

Sybil, Twin, DofW,Gaz,- Thank you.

UB- There are already lawyers involved, medical boards involved, the usual suspects, i guess what i was trying to say is what fucking difference does it make? doesn't bring your kid back. This dentist will be forced to quit practicing most likely and i guess you could say thats a good thing but a tragedy to prevent a tragedy is the real fucking tragedy. I don't know.

Daisy- That is the only thing i'm afraid of as well, it's not how shit should go and i can only speculate on the endless amount of worry i've caused my parents at times do to the way i've lived... oh yeah and that fucking crying drunk bitch Boehner being 3rd in line for the nuke codes, that's kinda scary.

Rassles- i believe he will get proper fucked in the end.

JMH said...

I'm sorry to hear that. Inexplicable. It's here you feel the limitations of words to describe a deep incurable sickness. My prayers, pagan as they are, are with you and your family.

livingladolcevita said...

Sense out of the senseless. I could ponder that one until the sun rises and the birds tell me the only thing to do is to get up and try again.

Jayne said...

Good God, this made me cry. Makes me want to give my 13 year old son an extra hug - but he's already gone out the door. We feel we must, we try, but we can't protect them from everything. We just never know. Life can change in a single instant.
Life is absurd. You ought to have a problem with the universe. We all should.
Hug your cousin and cry with her - it's the best thing, the only thing, you can do.

Pat said...

That is so tragic - my deepest condolences to you and your family.
It has taken me many, many years to give up 'the fear' that something awful would happen to my children or a loved one and one's life can be stultified by it. I hope that doesn't happen to you.
Wasn't it one of your Presidents who said:
'There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

Ponita in Real Life said...

This is so horribly tragic. I am so sorry. It may turn out to be the dentist's fault, or it may very well be an allergic reaction. But where was the person who should have been there to monitor the girl's condition while the procedure was taking place? I'm a nurse. I know how quickly the tides can turn when someone is heavily sedated or anaesthetized. I can only wish you and your sister and the rest of the family answers to all those questions, but also the strength to get through this. Time does dull the pain but it never goes away. Hug everyone you love, and don't be afraid to show your tears.

nursemyra said...

So terribly sad. Beautiful post Kono.

savannah said...

you have my deepest condolences, sugar, for you and your family. you have my heart. xoxo

healingmagichands said...

Haven't been here before, came because Unbearable Banishment linked.

So a total stranger is now feeling great compassion for you and your family's pain. So sorry to hear about this senseless tragedy.

One of my dear friends' child shot himself in the head (he was 16) several years ago. It took him three years, but he is now to the point where he can stand to associate with us, his social group, again. And his wife, also my dear friend, says his heart is broken. There doesn't seem to be any glue for that sort of break.

Beautifully written post.

kathryn said...

Mourn well - I'm with you're Father on that one.