Monday, March 26, 2007

Planet of the Apes Redux

Me brother actually took the time to sit down and watch all the Planet of the Apes movies and for that much respect, how he did it sober is beyond me. I was going to post about vice tonight but maybe tomorrow, depends on how much Internet porn i look at, how much i lose on the horse races and how well these drugs kick in. Either way it seems mondays are being good to me these days. So fuck off Bob Geldof.

I myself have sat through a "Apes" marathon, on a non-descript Labor Day weekend. Unfortunately for me i took what may have been the strongest acid i ever had, and having been referred to as an Acid Casualty, Capt. Trip, Frizzle Fry, and a number of other monikers, when i say best ever it actually holds some weight. Triple dipped sugar cubes and when i ate the first thing out of my mouth was, "Oh fuck it's gonna be a long day or two."'

In fact it started out in the Shadyside Uni-mart, walking around in sunglasses and talking to myself. I was stocking up so i wouldn't have to leave the apt. but i was racing the clock cuz Lucy was invading the synapses faster than say Superman flying around the earth in order to reverse time and save that smacked out Lois Lane. I think all i bought was gum, life-savers and gatorade.

The movie parade started with me opening all the windows of my apt. so the cats and i could look out into the living world and dream about what it would be like to be outside. I locked the door on the way back in so i wouldn't get lost and end up in my neighbors apartment. The cats and i enjoyed looking at the birds and the people, smelling the grilled meat of the normal world, feeling the breeze through the safety of the screens. Then Selena started.

Yes, that Selena, J-Lo with a HUGE ass, Edward James Olmos as her domineering father, the touching love story between that low-life guitarist and the superstar. Most of this movie i heard in espanol. Yes i truly believed that they were speaking Spanish the whole time until i finally asked Pablo my cat, when da fuck they gonna speak English. Pablo informed they were and i said no way and he said listen wastoid and after carefully concentrating on the television i realized slowly that i had been translating the movie to Spanish in my head even though i speak maybe a dozen, two dozen words tops, most of those being numbers.

Lucky for me it ended tragically with J-Lo getting tons of recognition for her role and becoming the utter fucking moron she is today.

Then the Apes came. It seemed they would never leave. One movie turned into two which turned into five, each time losing stars, each time becoming more of some social statement about the times when they were made. Fuck that i thought, when i watch ape movies i want them to be about well, uh, apes i guess. I don't need a fucking social commentary, what i needed that day was a shrink to talk me down off the ledge, to convince me that it would not be a good idea to eat another sugar cube even if it was sunday and i didn't have to work until tuesday. About six or seven hours in i mentioned to Pablo that this was the longest movie ever made, longer than say Roots or Shogun and he said "it's not all one movie you asshole." After consulting the video guide i realized it wasn't and realized that not only had i watched everyone but that i was now back to the first one because they just started them again. Damn i love that cat.

So i ordered a pizza. I walked to up to the shop to get it and by the time i got there and back i decided that i would much rather live in my sheltered little world with the apes, the cats and my candy.

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