Thursday, January 22, 2009

China Millman hates Asparagus

This may become a regular feature here at the lounge if for no other reason than this hack fucking gets on my tits. China is the venerable Pittsburgh Post Gazette food critic, all 20 something bluster and shallow as a teaspoon, did i mention she annoys me, i mean don't i know critics have a tough job especially those who have to sit around wolfing down food and then writing about it cuz daddy got dem's a job at the paper and each thursday she types up her column which i'm sure her boyfriend or dog has to listen to her recite over and over while she thinks she's the second coming of Ernest Hemingway, Tom Wolfe, Truman Capote. For the record China those are writers who all started as journalists i believe except maybe Truman did it the other way but who fucking cares, i don't, i just now that China is sick of all these Pittsburgh restaurants serving Asparagus.
See kids the lounge has been a bit slow cuz El Kono has been back pounding out short stories that he reads to his cats and then stares in the mirror naked like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs while jamming Gene Loves Jezebel and stuffing his cock between his legs and uttering the famous lines "fuck me? i'd fuck me!" and seeing as how the Kono is a fucking twit when it comes to computer literacy and shit he's somehow locked a bunch of shit on his computer so he can't revise or write or print it off and make confetti. Maybe he should go to CCAC and take a basic computer course and learn this shit but that would make life all to easy and if we've learned anything maaan it's that you gotta suffer for art kids. Now back to the show.

Asparagus according to CM is passe man and these fucking chefs need to catch up with her more biologically advanced palate. I mean really darling it makes your piss stink and might be a bit healthy and China doesn't need healthy, she's a food critic for fuck sake, she wants donuts stuffed with foie gras and to be bathed in gravy and sated in Gin, her taste buds are so-fist-i-kated and you know, what do you think they serve in New York, Chicago, Paris and Madrid? Not asparagus obviously, though i did ruin a shirt one time in New Orleans when my asparagus shot off my plate but i'm just a peon in the world of taste buds and China knows taste, it's rooted firmly in her ass and doesn't look to be going anywhere. So start stuffing those donuts with duck liver or whatever the fuck it is cuz China don't play asparagus and your rating depends on it.

12 comments:

Gulfboot Johnson said...

I want a donut stuffed with foie gras, bathed in gravy! And a side of 'sparagus spears.

They comes with a purple rubber band from my local supermarket.

Nice with horseradish.

PS. I'm glad I'm not the only one who does that thing with their balls.

Gulfboot Johnson said...

Post-Gazette restaurant critic China Millman can be reached at cmillman@post-gazette.com or 412-263-1198.

Will we forward your post?

daisyfae said...

she's clearly a pretentious idgit... asparagus is the best vegetable. and it's shaped like a penis? what more could you want?

Gulfboot Johnson said...

"It's shaped like a penis"?

I think someone needs a doctor.

spanish tony said...

Grinch Cock

Kono said...

pretentious idgit is just the tip of the iceberg, more food critic posts to come i'm sure.

nursemyra said...

so its rumoured aphrodisiacal properties don't sway China's opinion?

ItWasInevitable said...

We should talk about this. But not publicly. Probably in Silkys. Plus, NCD wants to meet you.

XO
IWI

Kono said...

Don't tell me your a fan of our esteemed local food critic IWI? Though i wait with breathless anticipation for the next column.

tysdaddy said...

Saw your comment at Daisyfae's, about Deconstruction and Queer theory, and HAD to swing by.

I'd love to have read that paper . . .

Kono said...

Hello Ty's Dad, she wouldn't let me do it cuz it had never been done, hence the oxymoron of original thinking in grad school, technically you need references for these papers and since i'd be doing it all on my Jack Jones she wouldn't let me write it, instead i bought some top notch grass and ripped off a paper about Jude the Obscure being a pre-cursor of Coupland's Generation X, had 8 weeks to do it and did it 3 days. Hence the true meaning of Higher Education.

ItWasInevitable said...

Not so much.

And, fyi, that Nightclub Dwight character lives here in Pittsburgh now. I had him imported. Or something.

XO
IWI